a yogi's humble tale....Injury, curiosity and advocating for my heart.

There came a point where I did not practise yoga anymore.
A practise I adored for years, learning, teaching, moving, doing. It caused me pain and I was angry.
This was curiously challenging. I knew deep down there was something up with my body that I hadn't
figured out yet. But I was resisting the very essence that yoga teaches, to pay attention, to lean in.
I was not leaning in. I was leaning out, so far out that I was denying myself the attention I needed. I was
caught in my shadow. My practised had shifted from active to passive very quickly and not only was
my pain getting worse but I dismissed any thought or whisper that I needed to do something about it.
Woah. This was intense. and a realisation I continued to ignore.

But then there came a time where all of this changed. Like a bat outta hell, it hit me up the head. I knew
I needed to make a shift. I knew I wanted to stop turning my back on a practise that had given me so
much over the years. Yoga as I now define it; "The art of paying attention."

So began a new curiosity and in turn, a humble new beginning of my life long love affair with yoga.

Like all my blogs, this is a story from my heart, not an article or review. But I'm totally plugging
https://yogadetour.com/ Because the yogi's out there whose body's feel broken like mine did......
need to know about Cecily, and the glorious community that's challenging the status quo and asking
important questions.

Back to my tale.... :)

I'd asked a lot of my body over the years. Intense, physically and mentally draining job waiting tables,
teaching yoga on the side, no time or energy to want to do anything but rest between shifts. (not to
mention drink a tone and do a bunch of drugs). My practise began shifting into a more
meditative, quiet, slow, grounding place. Looking back, I need that.
I needed the quiet. Away from the world. The booze, the drugs, the people.
I didn't realize just how much energy I was taking on as a result of my profession and lifestyle
....and It was all i could do at the time. A little asana sprinkled in here, a dance class there....but that was it.

So fast forward i've finally given up, retired, if you will, from the hospitality industry. It had been 18
fabulously long years and a whole other story as to how that all came about. But I was done. As my
body began to digest and rest from those 18 years....something beautiful happened. A little tickle in my
heart said, go back to your mat. Find yoga again. Trust in the practise that has always been your rock.
Pay attention for the love of god!
But that little whisper also told me I needed a radically different approach.
Because not only did my tough job crack me open, but every time I'd practise demanding yogic
postures (asana) I couldn't move for days after. It became very real to me that I felt lost in the
foundational approach to movement. I couldn't answer simple questions I was asking myself about why things
hurt and why certain movements and exercises that I thought should help were causing me so
much pain. Enter curiosity. Enter anger because i'd been an athlete my
whole life, a yoga teacher for 10 plus years and I was basically pissed off and so frustrated. Again,
enter curiosity. I was ready to lean in, I was ready to take a deeper look into my injury and how I
approached movement, and more importantly, how I approached myself, through the lens of movement.
Enter Yoga Detour (YD).

I remember laying awake one night, my love beside me fast asleep, and I began searching
(as I do some sleepless nights) on my phone. Searching for a solution. Asking the universe to guide
me to the right practise. (for some reason, on this particular night i knew the solution was to take myself
to the internet!.....it has all the answers right? haha
I was asking spirit to help me find a way I could explore my body again, in a safe way, grounded
in the practise I love. I actually think Yoga Detour found me. I remember thinking, it made no sense.
I have no idea how I stumbled upon it online, as i wasn't really running specific searches and I really don't
know why I was there in my bed at 3am applying on their website for the upcoming teacher training.
But there I was.
I awoke the next morning, thinking, what was that about? Then carried on with my day. A couple weeks
later I heard from them. I had been accepted to their program. I resisted at first. I declined, thinking,
oh this is too much money and it's not the right time. I've been teaching for 10 plus years, I don't need to
do this. That'd I'd applied on a whim one night wanting a quick fix.
And so I let it go. Forgot all about it, the program and my mysterious 3am internet browsing adventures.
Meanwhile the universe had another option all laid out for me. More months
had passed and two weeks before the program started I got another email from Cecily, the founder of
YD - with another offering to the program and with a scholarship offer. I accepted. The discount was
definitely helpful. Girls gotta pay rent!

Program starts, i'm still kinda unsure why i'm there, even though somewhere in my heart I know it's
the place for me. Then the first weekend hits and the co-teacher is a dear friend i didn't even know
was on the faculty! It was a wonderful weekend spent with some really solid humans. Over that
weekend I ran into another couple of people i'd come to know in my past, everything just seemed to
fit together perfectly. I knew I was in the right place. And totally unknowing to what I would come to
discover about myself and the body. (side note, teacher trainings, self care, self
expansion work are always so wonderfully surprising. So humbling as they push you to look at parts of
yourself you'd never accepted, leaned into or looked at in that way before). I’m never the same after a
teacher training. In the most amazing way.

My instincts couldn't have been more right. This was exactly where I needed to be - what was being
called into my life. Yoga Detour approaches the body in a way I'd never learned, thought of or perceived
before. My teachers were radically contradicting much of what Id learned in my years of yoga training,
in the best way possible. We were learning more about movement in general. How to strengthen, pay
attention and move the body well. How strength plays such an integral role in movement.
That activating a muscle would do more for pain than passively stretching or resting it would. I knew in
my heart that my approach and asana practise was centred heavily around chasing sensation,
something i think we yogis are rockstars at. Oh I was amazing at getting right into the deepest feelings,
almost to the point where my mind was so checked out that because it rested so easily and comfortably
in those end ranges where I had no strength. Just bendy-ness.
And while for years this beautiful way of practise and feeling deep into sensations has got me connected
to myself in many way, I have found that my attention had been so heavily swayed into this culture of
chasing sensation, letting things feel....oh so gooooood.
In reflection, I remember so many times, "Juicy" was a word I'd heard many yoga teachers say in
the past (and i'd shutter every time id heard it....even though i'd accepted it, i guess
intuitively my body never resonated with this way of practising that Id followed for many years).
Go deeper, wider, stretch my limits, push my own boundaries. Ooooh Yes, this should feel sooo juicy to
not have any control or strength in those end ranges. HA!

Ugh. So, no shit I was all sorts of hyper mobile, totally tensed up in some areas, loose as a goose in
others, a perfect combination of rigidity with a beautifully open and energetic heart. My body was a
mess. And let me tell you it was telling me loud and clear. My back hurt everyday. And so my
conditioning told me to go to the pain, to be with it, to feel it and move it. That by chasing these
sensations I could honour my pain. Ya, dead wrong! (I mean on one hand, having this deep awareness
of my body was awesome.....but a total double edge sword at some points because I actually feel I
was amplifying the pain by paying attention, some how giving it more power) My education tell me,
that I am correct. Thinking about pain....oh it's gonna make it worse, no doubt. So what to do?
This pain was worsening.

I couldn't remember a day going by where I wasn't in pain. My back was screaming at me, my
mobility was getting worse. I felt fragile and the opposite of strong. Then I started having shooting
pains down my legs that freaked me out. I remember feeling like I was so afraid to be in a car or
doing any kind of activity that would put me at risk for falling because I was scared I was gonna break
or be paralyzed. Ugh....RED FLAG ALERT! haha, but seriously, this was obviously alarming to me.

So I went to my doctor (oh the lovely doctors paid for by the government here in Canada.....awesome
and not awesome all at once, that's a totally different rant when it comes to the bureaucracy and the
often unhelpful medical system I’m equally grateful for and frustrated with). So my doctor, he basically
made me feel like I was crazy and making up my pain. And this made me think back a few years and
how there had been many doctors on the same train as him, so many times i'd mentioned to them
about my excruciating back and neck pain. You want to know what they always told me? Yup, same
thing every time. Oh you should go get some massages! Like, what the actual fuck!? Thanks for
nothing.

Knowing what i know now (thanks to an education totally spawned from my own nerdiness, and
passionate fascination with all things the body, always trusting my spidey senses, and my own
research) it's pretty easy for me to say that generally speaking, movement and the medical system is
often not being approached in a way that creates sustainability. More on that later.

So back at the doctor, I thought, you know what, i'm really gonna have to turn up my crazy lady dial
here on my pain and tell this dude that i'm having some pretty severe pains, even shooting pains
(which sidenote, weren't really that bad, but for the sake of getting this guy to help me, i made it
seem far worse than it was….or perhaps I’d lived so long with pain i was numb…..it’s toss up)

It almost reaches the end of our time together, after dude hoists me up onto the table and checks
my reflexes (thanks a lot) that he was going to bid me farewell. So, I turn around, look him right in
the eyes and I boldly said to him (almost yelling) "well I guess you can pretty much do NOTHING
to help me". He looked at me, a little taken back, I could tell he contemplated for a moment and then
revisited eye contact with me, stating begrudgingly that he'd offer to book me an appointment for an
MRI. All I thought, well it's about bloody time!! So he got his shit together, stepped up to the plate and
finally I felt like I was getting somewhere with this frustrating part of the journey. (okay i know i'm
ranting, but still).

Rants aside, I had my MRI a month later and BOOM. Herniated discs. Not one, but TWO.

L4/L5/L5/S1. Yup. I am not totally crazy. My discs were popping right on outta there. Good times.
This was no joke. And although i’m not a huge advocate of the whole diagnosis and labelling thing
defining my circumstances.....
…...this was important for my own validation and understanding of what was present.

Thus began a huge wake up call that has been one of the biggest blessings to date.
And though I was kinda worried at the time, I felt a deep ease knowing that I could move forward
from here, right where I was. Busted up discs, a questionable movement practise, but adorned
with a newly awakened curiosity. One that was so fondly familiar. The same curiosity from the
beginning days of my yoga practise 17 years ago.

So that was a big old ramble....had to get that all out.

Studying with Yoga Detour for the past year was so important for my healing, my teaching and allowed
me to ask important questions about how we're approaching movement as a culture.
I'm forever grateful and highly recommend the beautiful work they are doing.
https://yogadetour.com/

In conclusion, Injuries are teachers. Trusting myself is so important. And inspiration can be found
everywhere when you’re willing to look for it and do the work to allow it to serve your highest good
and open you to possibilities you never thought possible.. I’m so grateful for my new movement
family of Yoga Detour. I am grateful for my curious heart and to have fallen back in love with a
practise that is forever changing and evolving as I am. And I’m just so humbled everyday
at this crazy journey of life all it’s lessons, blessings and joy.

And on one final note...Trust yo self. You know your heart, your body...no matter what anyone else has
to say, let it speak louder than anything. Trust your instincts and advocate for yourself. Get strong.
Stop diving deep into sensation. Stop chasing pain.
And always remember, your truth will lead you where you need to go.

Much love,

Ashley

p.s. I went to a yoga class last week and no joke the teacher said - "pushing, is the essence of stretching,

bend, yes, bend, go beyond your flexibility"
Like what the actual fuck.

There is so much goodness out there in the yoga world....and there is also a lot of shit that is gonna
lead people straight to hating yoga and not being able to walk.

I'm so grateful to be a voice for change in this crazy beautiful industry of ours.

Trusting myself & pyjama Thursdays

• Guys - indulge me...it’s Self Care Story Time, Living the life of your dreams!!! (All that good shit) I think you’ll love it! She’s a feisty one about TRUSTING the FEELS.
  ✨Seven months ago I quit my day job and never looked back.
  ✨Let me tell you, The road to your dreams, it’s not all unicorns and fucking rainbows....its bumpy as hell mate. And thank the lord for tissues - because I’ve cried a lot this year. ✨ But it’s been so worth every second. I have learned A LOT.
  I’m writing this today, on a quiet Thursday afternoon, in my sanctuary, in my pjs...because I can.
  ✨It’s not very often I wear my pjs all day (I’m a get ready for the day kinda woman) but today is one of those days. ✨And so why is this so important you ask?? For years I dreaded going to work, often many of my jobs required me to wear clothing that felt dull, restrictive and just totally not me.
  I always thought, you know, I just love teaching yoga, guiding meditation, making art, having gatherings, all the things! (the list goes on) because at least I got to wear my own clothes. And I LOVE my clothes ✨Many years ago without really knowing it, I planted a seed.
  I knew that in my dream life I would get to wear exactly what I wanted - ALWAYS, no exceptions. That I wouldn’t let myself work somewhere or for someone that didn’t accept me for exactly how I came. Or had a uniform policy that I just wasn’t on board with.
  ✨Which in my case is often in VERY comfortable pants (for the record I don’t live In my yoga pants, well, that’s a lie. I pretty much do, but ripped skinny jeans and kimonos make their way in at least once a week) ✨Moving on. Here I am, sitting in my pjs, in front of my fireplace in my cozy sanctuary sharing this story with you.
  I may not have everything I envision in this life of my dreams right now - BUT that’s what the journey is for!!! The important part is that I totally TRUST I’m on the right path and I’m heading in the right direction. Grateful for now.
  ✨I know I’m living THE WAY both exciting and filled up with all sorts of challenges (AND rainbows 🌈) The important part - is that I’m headed On THE PATH. Less concern, more aligned in PURPOSE.
  
  
• When my heart was telling me I didn’t want to wear certain clothes or work certain jobs - these feelings were coming straight from my heart.
• Not from logic (because let’s face it we all need money sometimes, that why we work the crap jobs and wear the monkey suits)
  
  But these little thoughts about my clothes - the big warning signs about wanting to feel more aligned in what I was wearing - THEY WERE MESSENGERS!!!
  Trying to navigate me back onto the right track.
  Back onto my path.
  In the direction of my dreams.
  To live my BEST life.
  
  I’m allowed to have pj Thursday in my office - no one’s gonna stop me!
  
  #whosepathareyouon? #whatareyourclothestellingyou?
  #listentoyourheart
• 
  
•  (Disclaimer - now don’t go burning down your office Jack Black in Orange County styles “I hate my job, I’m gonna burn this mother down!!!!! But perhaps gently ask yourself the question if you’re feeling good about where you are....it doesn’t matter what you do, it’s how you FEEL about what you do that will make all the difference in the world.) 
• 
  
• Much love xx
  -A

On one more note - I’ve recently heard a lot of interesting comments about how people have been feeling when it comes to the whole “LIVING YOUR BEST LIFE” thing....the pressure it puts on people.
To those who are challenged with the whole pressure thing and living up the the BEST LIFE thing - let me just say that there is space for that here too.
Like I said - I know I’m living my BEST life - right now, on the path, in each moment. This doesn’t mean each moment is easy. I took the whole afternoon off work yesterday to get tests done with my doctor and about three different clinics - not a very fun experience. I’m struggling with a few things and some I can’t even quite figure out yet. But am I still living my best FUCK YES I AM.
#thejourney

My story...the more dramatic version ;)

Darling people of the world, hello!! I'm so happy you are here and I'm grateful to introduce myself to you. You may already know I'm a Holistic Health/Life Coach, Yoga & Meditation Teacher, Artist, Adventurer....

But let me take this moment to tell you some of the other jazz. All that insider info you don't always learn on instagram. Ashley, the human being.

We all have a story to tell, here's a little bit of mine. (the somewhat short version, okay not really)

I believe so deeply in, well, you know, the JOY. Because straight up, for many years I didn't. For a very long time I associated self care, following my heart, with selfishness. Deep down I didn't feel deserving of my life, of love, joy and happiness. There was darkness. I battled myself. I questioned taking up space here. Who was I to feel good, live an amazing life? Why did I get to travel the world and follow my dreams? Why would people want to hear my story? Sometimes I'd think, I'm just a white girl from the burbs, who would believe that my life has been hard? I faced (and still do) deep challenges of navigating the intensity of my internal world. A highly sensitive creature, living with anxiety and subject to a collection of life traumas. The experiences I'd lived through, completely overwhelmed me. Graciously (and sometimes not so graciously) I've come to accept and appreciate just how much love is required to tend to my heart and my life. Amidst the guilt I still dedicated myself to honouring my heart, the work I've done is beautiful and I am proud of the resilience, strength and awareness that has been cultivated as a result. I've forever been a curious soul, fascinated with the human condition, our purpose. Transformational work is powerful. I took a conscious approach to healing from my past, the anger I carried with me, and as some of my hard edges have softened, I am both equally humbled and amazed at how incredible the human being and spirit are. I've integrated my formal education and life experiences, allowed my intuition to guide me and from that space; a trust awakened. I don't have to strive to become this perfect version of myself anymore. I'm pretty sure I love all the imperfection and ALL the crazy poncho sweaters I really want to wear.

Seriously though...

After I'd given up drugs and drinking and started making little shifts for my health & happiness, receiving ongoing support, accountability and encouragement from my coaches was huge for me. Otherwise I'm pretty sure I'd still be hiding from my partner and eating cookies in the closet (true story).

I knew what i needed to do, i just didn't always do it. And constantly hard on myself, thinking I had to do everything perfectly.

As adventurous soul in my twenties, anyone taking a look at my life from the outside would tell you it looked like I was having the most amazing time (and i was) travelling the world, teaching yoga, writing, adventuring, growing, expanding. The problem was, I didn't love myself nearly enough. I was holding so much anger, sadness, shame and grief. Heavy trauma's I'd experienced in my early years had broken my heart. My body was in a constant state of fight or flight, adrenal system overloaded and I had put up protective walls that had me grasping at love in whatever way i could. I eased my heart with drugs, sex, booze, reckless adventure. I was challenged in my relationships with my family, boyfriends and food. I had a slew of digestive issues and chronic pain. In my head I told myself I was taking good care of me, but if I was honest with myself, I wasn't. I continued to pursue a job in the hospitality world because I loved the freedom and the money, even though it was hurting my heart and demanding way too much of my body. I drank and partied, travelled and ate. Yearned for escape in anyway possible. There was a part of me that kinda just didn't give a shit about being super grounded. I was okay with just existing and revelling in the highs that my lifestyle was indicative of. It got to the point where my body was like - NOPE we're not doing this anymore. I had adrenal fatigue, a slew of digestive issues, my skin was a mess, I was just exhausted. One thing that really stood out - it got to the point where I was having a hard time going out in public or to social occasions. As the social butterfly i'd always been I just couldn't believe that being out and about was firing up SO much anxiety and stress. (I'd been working in hospitality for the better part of two decades, this was alarming to me, not to mention I was feeling an overwhelming amount of guilt for just how much rest I needed.)

​Giving myself permission to finally let others see that my heart was hurting put me in the most wonderfully vulnerable place. You see, I'd been teaching yoga, guiding meditation and working in the health and wellness world for many years at this point. I was the one helping everyone else. I used my work in this world as a mask. It was exhausting to wear the face of someone who was rocking life, when instead, life was rocking me. I did not feel worthy of love. From some very dark times, I have been blessed with so much light. And in the light there is love. Would I change anything, absolutely not. I just knew I there was a more beautiful version of myself waiting to emerge.

Throughout this time i'd always had my yoga and meditation practise, teachers and mentors that I could connect with when I felt lost. Good teachers always hold a vision for you. One of trust. Of love. Often bigger than you can hold yourself. One that would remind me to always turn inward, trust myself and the process of life. This allowed me to always move through challenging times with a lightness, a gratitude for the process, being present to the living of life in ALL it's wonder. I am forever grateful to these amazing people that helped light the way for me. I am forever grateful for the courage to always trust my own heart.

One day I just remember saying, that's it. I'm ready. I'm ready to love myself more and commit to doing everything that was going to lead me back to falling in love with myself. I didn't really know what was in store for me at the time, but I soon realized it required a commitment to bold honesty, forgiveness and was fully rooted, centred in self care. I gave up drugs and alcohol, and with them an identity that served me well for much of my young life. I let go of a few relationships, retired from hospitality and stayed true to a vow i'd promised myself two years earlier while in India, to always support my inner sparkle. There was an inner warrior within me, calling, her voice getting louder. She wanted to shine and I was doing a dis-service to the world by not allowing her to be here, living her fullest potential.

My story deserves to be heard. My colourful past is what put me on the path to deeply appreciate self care and nourishment. I hope to inspire others to celebrate themselves, take good care and to not underestimate the amount of love that is always required as we navigate the inevitable shit storms of life! 

For a long time I was obsessed with transformation, expansion, reading all the self help books, going on all the retreats, doing all of the cleanses, taking all of the potions. My heart was like - I need this!! It was all part of the journey. but this pursuit at the time was (honestly) in an effort to get rid of the darkness. The parts of me that felt shame, anger and grief were "bad", I was like, you guys gotta go. This was part of my struggle for years. That was the trouble! I didn't realize it for so long but I was abandoning important parts of myself that simply wanted acknowledgement, they wanted love and without it, continued to cause my suffering. I wanted to feel better so intensely that I'd plagued myself with rigidity. Then it hit me! (During a session of sound healing....like I said, I did all the things lol) I needed to invite everyone to dinner, all the parts of me. I softened. Something turned me so deeply towards love. I started to welcome all parts of myself, my life, my story; struggles with shame, fear and anger. It was only when I accepted these parts of myself that was I able to truly find forgiveness & healing. To love ALL of me.

Everything changed when I was willing to be seen in my struggle. When accountability shifted me and the beautiful mess had become something I'd truly embraced and embodied. I was able to celebrate the dark and the light. I was able to be open to allowing myself to be held. I wouldn't change a thing about my life. From challenges come our greatest gifts. From the dark emerges the light. Life is hard. But it's how we show up for ourselves that really matters.


It is in the darkness, where I found my greatest gifts.

One of my favourite poets says it perfectly... 

"ring the bells that still can ring. 

Forget your perfect offering, 

There is a crack, a crack in everything, 

That's how the light gets in" 

- Leonard Cohen. 

Becoming a health and life coach has been the perfect coming together of all of my passions and gifts, life experience and formal education. Through yoga, coaching, retreats, healing treatments, art and all that I do, I help others awaken the parts of themselves that are calling out for love. I offer tools that strengthen their connection to the abundant energy within them, work through traumas to heal their heart and ease their mind; this is why I am here on this earth. We all have a story to share. I am blessed to do the work I do. I want to inspire women to love themselves more. Share their stories of trauma & triumph. Accept anger, heal shame. Let the light in. Inspire. Love. Awaken. To spark the revolution of finding JOY in the journey of transformation.

Why shouldn't it be awesome, to fall back in love with yourself?! 

You do the world a dis service when you withhold your light. 

And so with that I offer these words: 

Inspire others with your story, 

Love yourself. ALL of you. Even the part that wants to hide in the closet and eat all the cookies. 

Get curious about your beautiful heart and revel in your unique gifts. 

Be unapologetically you. 

MODEL YOUR GREATNESS, so that others, may model theirs. 

Awaken. 

You are amazing. 

I am here to spark the revolution of finding JOY in the journey of transformation. Why shouldn't it be awesome to fall back in love with ourselves? To find home within. To be free knowing we don't have to do it perfectly.

We are all masterpieces and works in progress, simultaneously.

Many Blessings,
Ashley xo

no fishtank, no problem! A story about a dental office.

"babe, you should find a new dentist"

"I know, i really have been meaning to"

"the longer you leave it, the plaque could really build up and when it does and the gums recede, they don't grow back!
(I love that he cares about my gums)

"Okay - i'm going today!

*kiss him on the cheek.

So, I am on the hunt for a new dentist (mine, unfortunately died last year) plus that office is located in the town I grew up in and that's just way out of my current jurisdiction.

Off I went this afternoon. There must be at least 7 dental offices within a 4 km stretch in my neighbourhood - people are seriously all about the teeth here.

Okay, and so my story really begins here. (I could, offer a detailed hospitality and decor review for all of these joints, I saw A LOT of stuff, but I'll spare you, this time.)

After leaving 4 different dental offices and having sub par experiences within all of them I was almost discouraged as I casually started the walk home. I had almost decided on just saying screw it and calling my boyfriends dental office all the way over in the west end just to feel like i'd accomplished something. Until I stumbled upon a house. A small, rather worn looking house that hugged the park. “Accepting new patients” said the sign (although, rather confusing as the sign looked slightly more like a hair dressers welcome, then a dentist. I entered anyway)

I opened a smallish black door where I was greeted by Alex, the 20 year veteran receptionist. She was all smiles. Great energy. A happy, blonde, 60 something in purple scrubs. The office was kinda shabby, but homey with a few quaint pieces of art on the wall. It housed a ghetto blaster (obviously, I thought) with the CBC talk radio station going on about listeners and their opinions on the new Canadian anthem lyric change. Hmmm. Good to know. I was not aware of this change (I thought again).

Alex, the Capricorn (as she'd alerted me), and I exchanged a few laughs as she cursed at her new computer system (she’s 6 days in and has had no training she's shared with me) and about her frustration with the pens that didn’t write properly on their business cards. She asked me my birthday, I replied with the date and almost immediately was met with “Aw, a Taurus, like my daughter”. (I'm totally loving this experience already, I think to myself)

We chatted for quite some time, teeth cleaning prices, the weather, more about the computer system and a little mention of the anthem change. I’d already decided this was my new dental home. She found the next available appointment slot and it was mine! I asked if I could write  my information on a piece of paper (a solid 15 minutes since my arrival, and I did need to get going), we never did get the system working. "Look forward to seeing you again Alex!" "You too.....Ashley..." *pause, with a pleasant chuckle afterwards. (not really sure what that was about, but i'll take it!) 

It was settled. This would be my new dentist office. Dr. M....something or other. Long name as per the 4 or so degrees and certificates I saw hanging on the wall behind her desk. (One of them reading, Dental Surgeon Certification, to which I thought, "okay he seems legit") *side note, I once visited a dentist office for a cleaning when I was living in El Salvador (the medical tourism was booming at the time), but that office totally had an armed guard outside the barred up and densely secure facility. 

So I figure I'm alright here in Canada.

I continued my stroll home. Along the park I went, smiling, reflecting contently on the exchange I’d just been a part of and coming to a few realizations.

I don’t need the fancy dentist office. Let me tell you, the first one was nice. I even used their bathroom and scoped out the whole place. (I also totally mucked up their obnoxiously white polished lobby floors with my winter boots. "Ugh, hi, Canada called - your office lives here and the salt, ya that shit is gonna stain.") 

Anyway, what was I saying.

Right. I don't need the fancy dentist office.

The ones with the standard, homesensey looking art and crappy fixtures that look good now, but you know will be shit in 3 years and won’t have aged well at all. (although, the fishtanks were nice)

Really, or realistically some would argue, I could have easily called all of these offices to find out their prices, but I kept wanting to envision myself at the dentist and I couldn't picture it. I couldn't feel it! So, in classic Ashley fashion, I spent an entire afternoon walking into all of them to check them out. I took my time. I stopped for tea.

Thank you Alex, at the dental office by the park (which I totally forget the name of but will remember exactly where you are located.)

Thank you for being awesome. You made my day.

And I really look forward to seeing you this Tuesday at 10am to meet my dentist. He’s a Virgo.

Sober Times

Ahhh! It’s true. I’m in my 9th month of sobriety. What!! Lol

If you’ve known me for sometime, you might know that I’ve: A. travelled a lot, B. worked in bars and restaurants a lot, C. thrown A LOT of parties (I’m certain that my epic AshBash’s will not be a thing of the past....they may just perhaps take new shape as the new me comes to life), and D. happily experimented and enjoyed copious amounts of booze and mind altering substances. (Some experiences so wonderfully expansive, beautiful and healing, others, wretched heavy, in darkness.)

E. I have been a curious student and advocate of healthy living for a long time.

Now, partly in my defence and partly not - we all gotta experience things when we are growing up, test our limits, set no boundaries. Do all the things. And I’ve been blessed with a very colourful, beautiful collection of such things. In that we must equally be truthful with ourselves when things aren't quite right.

There did come a time for me, a time to really say enough is enough. That time, was my 34th birthday, last year in April (for alcohol)  because let's face it I had still been dancing with the Mary Jane, on occasion, until September of the same year.

But It did actually hit me like a ton of bricks, one evening, after taking too much of a THC edible - and having simultaneously, a half freak out, half enlightening experience...

“I’m actually kinda fucked” (haha a joke for all of you familiar with Russell Brand). 

Now, I wasn’t completely shitting away my life - but I felt stuck. My life looked a little something like this...

The social butterfly in me had been flowing along; I was overworking myself in a restaurant, serving all the people, going out after work to talk with more people and drink all the drinks to debrief with people about how terrible all the people are that I’d been serving. As fun as it was, and it was for a long time, it was starting to take a heavy toll on my happiness and vibrancy. Not to mention, my body. I taught yoga classes, made mediocre efforts to grow my business and studied furiously everything health and wellness related. I was still practicing yoga and telling myself it was enough, but I had stopped going to the gym and really exercising. I knew in my gut, and from an extensive mind body education that my nervous system wasn't completely handling life. I had been through some heavy traumas that I never told anyone about. I was cruising along, coping, half vibrant, half miserable.

I'd been drowning. Too proud, stubborn, and I guess trying to do what I thought was working for me. Except it wasn't. I just simply wasn’t that happy, vibrant self I once knew...AND to make matters worse, it felt like I was holding on by some very questionable threads. Overwhelming emotion, shit relationships, nagging physical pain and the like. 

I'd heard the voice before, but most importantly on that night in September with this little tickle in my heart (and with all the green plant medicine within me pulsing like hell) came the words - “STOP, something has gotta change.” And from that moment it really has. I was also to become an Auntie for the first time two days later and that really shifted my life perspective in a huge way. I became completely sober from that point on. I've also recently giving up sugar (which is really it's own little version of the cocaine from hell), but that's a story for another day.

I gave up drugs and alcohol in an effort to purify my body. To become more kind. Less angry. To get really clear. To find balance. To live in one consciousness. To wake up to myself. To start to actually feel the pain from traumas I unknowingly tried not to deal with for long time. (Being sober - this pain from my past, well it is a hell of force to be reckoned with and i'm like  - "woah, down girl - But equally, please bring that shit on, get up and out of me, thank you" - You Somatic folks know what I'm saying)  And most importantly to really support my health and wellness in the best way I know how. In balance and harmony. And in a more beautiful connection with the universe. 

Over the past nine months I have been rebuilding trust and vitality. I have been working with a collection of sound and somatic healers. I have had a daily practice (this didn't waver too much, as I've had a meditation practise for many many years, but It has shifted), I have been supporting my unique journey (we all got our shit!). I have been leaning into what's uncomfortable and showering it with Love.

Quite frankly, this is the best decision I have EVER made.

Fast forward to now, I am working full time doing what I love, feeling happier and more me each day. When I told myself last April that I would live one year sober I didn’t think I’d be hearing myself (nearing the end of that year) say that I want to keep going!

I’m not saying I’ll never drink a glass of buttery Chardonnay or enjoy a scotch on the rocks again. But, after that one year mark has passed and an opportunity comes to light - I know i'll be able to support myself in the right decision with a clear head and open heart.

Don’t force it - FEEL IT.

(“May I try a pink one?!” - okay this quote is really only for my sister)

As Russell Brand brings to light in his book "Recovery" - we are all on scale of addiction in one way or another.

Where are you?

#lifegoals #sobriety #awake #happiness #doingwhatfeelsrightrightnow 

#supportingmyvibrancy #skeletonsoutofthecloset #heavilystillappreciateagreatscotch

#feelingit #wakingthetiger  #somaticexperiencing #nohangovers  #clarity #recovery 

Music, Yoga & the Power of Sound

Music has the ability to transform. To inspire, awaken, soothe and captivate our humanly senses, to shift and bend perception, to bring us home to ourselves. Heavenly melodies inspire my heart, lyrics speak to my depths, the very essence of frequency helps shift energy; it awakens me.

To rest in the presence of sound is truly powerful. Music allows me to get out of my own way to experience true sweetness. It is my dearest love, greatest pleasure, and deepest healer. It is my teacher, my passion and my truest confidant.

For longer than I can remember I have found some of the purest moments of joy in the surrender of sound. When I let noise flow from my body as an offering in song or tone or as I listen with intention to the notes of others, the space between melody and rhythm, it is all here, this gift. Straight from the dazzling heart centre, made of a million pieces of universal beauty, lies the safe little offering of sound. Commanding my fullest presence I am able to witness my true nature, in this quiet place, where the music is.

This little song bird has been grateful to swim in the sea of sound. Whether I am singing or being bathed in sound, I have felt the power of all that she is. A full energetic immersion in the world of frequency, and the playful movement that has left lasting impressions. I have a decadent memory. I can recall events and tell colourful stories of adventure. But nothing in my memory is sharper than the needle that recorded the history of my musical awakening over the years.

Now, as a yoga teacher, a holder of space, a sharer of things…..I am able to let my inner songbird soar. In a 60 special minutes I spend with other voyagers of the earth, I guide yoga experiences, where students entrust me with their bodies, minds and hearts. It is you with whom I get the pleasure of serenading with sound, with whom I share my passions of music and nourishment as I offer you my voice and often make you uncomfortable finding yours :)

For those of us who dig a little deeper, we are afforded the pain and pleasure to get lost in the experience of ourselves, and guided by the hums of vibration, perhaps, dance ourselves to parts unknown. Whether it is through the practice of making sound with breath, chanting, or listening to the external soundtrack played, it is here, where the opportunity to surrender to sound exists. Music allows us to evoke emotion to heal pain and unlock pieces of ourselves as we come to life in the discovery of our own instruments of sound.

May you be free to dive deeply into the layers sound healing that move you toward greater balance. May you meet delight in your human experience, may you be open to trust in your inner wisdom and always revel in the harmony of your beating heart.

May we thank music for helping us all awaken to our sweetness, if only for a track, if only for a moment, may it move you.

Blessings,

Ashley

The Striking Rains of Spring...

It's been raining for a few days. New beginnings boasts spring charm, its fervent nature magnified. I have been sleeping for many hours. With this new season I leave behind so much of the past, of myself and start anew. It's funny, new beginnings, that is...exciting in the simplest of ways...bloody terrifying in another. What do I do when I shed layers, close the doors of past relationships, projects, jobs all abandoned in a dance my heart plays with the universe.
I sit an do nothing. Well....for now.
Humbled is my heart at the notion of the quiet warrior. This new place of surrender, there is so much I want to do and accomplish, directions to move towards. The jedi must quiet the mind. Reduce the chatter. Sit on the porch in the rain and practise stillness. It is only with the stillness that comes the ability to strike. To impact. To let the force flow and live in the becoming. The forever changing rains, these seasons coddle our variant nature and we bloom colourfully as guardians of this universe. Furiously untangling the thorns protecting this warriors wild heart. 

It sounds so good in make believe

Oh darling, say you'll come away with me again
To places where we'll meet in dreams but when
Oh but darling you are lost at sea
heavens to wait patiently for me
Oh darling sail away with me someday
Let's meet and see our faces play
In sights but sounds our ears may brood
For it's the first sight love captured
beyond this new lights mood
Your unknown tidal wave it sees
As I play dress up and make you believe

Write of make believe as a place

Oh darling say you'll marry me
And we can dream like lovers sing
Into a world of make believe
Oh lover sail and swing

The leaves of fall are dynamite
when Ravens fly and dance delights
The cool it helps to warm the night
Bt days are grey and often slight....ly
Raining.

He lights a smoke and drags his heels
The man who walked along
Concealing Stories
Trolly's cruise at will
Oh my love come hear me still
Arrive by the rivers edge and places by
This rivers song delicately waiting
tightly tucked in the stations corner
and the loftiest of ceilings
making space for light to fill.