life, death & the power of connection.

As the weeks have unfolded in September, the winds of change have blown into my world. The days are cooler and crisp; the nights are even colder. I reflect on some of my experiences these past months and i'm filled with gratitude. I experienced - and when i say experience, it is with the grand sense of the word - the heavy and the all encompassing life moments that give experience it's name.

I experienced the death of my grandmother. 

From her sickness, her hospital stay, the coming together of our family, her last night, and the morning I held her hand and watched her take her last breath. It was a remarkably powerful and impactful experience I will be not soon to forget.

My dear sweet Nan left her body on the morning of August 7th. And as i write that, it's almost hard to believe it's been two months past. I had taken the week before her death away from work. Intuitively I knew I must be with my family (particularity with my father) during this time...and our hospital visits and family togetherness were full of love, smiles, tears, joy and sadness. We were all there. The whole tribe. As we reached her final days we could all feel it. The last day I spent with her in laughter, I was with my cousin. The three of us messed around, told stories, rubbed an obscene amount of Nivea cream on our hands (as per Nan's request). My grandmother was a firecracker who went out with a bang - no one could ever refute this. She lived a fiercely incredible 87 years of life.

It's hard to put into words just how i felt in the moment of her last breath. I had been watching her breathing as a meditation for hours and hours that last night. I sang to her, I wrote and spoke to her and witnessed one of the most beautiful moments...my dad holding his mum's hand all through the night and into the morning...with no intention to let go. 

He and my step mother left that morning, as my uncle and auntie arrived. Something in me could not leave. There were so many reasons to go. I stayed. There was something keeping me there I can't explain. At 10am with my grandad's picture in her lap, Nan left her body. It was incredibly difficult to bare witness to my auntie lose her mother in that moment and I held her head as she cried in Nan's lap. This was a painfully beautiful moment. I knew I was there that night for my nan, telling her that it was okay to go, I was there for my auntie as nan died...and in the ripples of emotion that came as we observed her body laying cold and still I showed up in strength for my uncle. He and my father were the rocks for our family. I'd had quite a lot of time that week with my dad to be in this experience with him, but my uncle and I hadn't been in as close a communication. And as I would expect nothing less from my steady minded, courageous uncle, he was not flitted with emotion watching his "Muva" pass. In all his sadness he stood strong for my aunite, his dear partner of over 40 years.

Him and I left the room and I hugged him so tight he burst into tears. Tears I knew he had held in for strength. Tears I knew I was there that day to support. I didn't truly realize the power we hold for each other as humans until that moment. This experience lead me to write about my nan, about our family, about my deep appreciation for the journey, and for the bonds and connection we share in life & in death. I am so humbled with gratitude.

“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not a mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief and unspeakable love.” - Washington Irving.