when the essence of essential sleep essentially wakes the writers heart

When the rain comes
Let it flow.
Do not dwell upon the drops
For no dreams unheard the thunder
Roar.
Their round essence glow like the face to the sun
Warmed and dressed up
Like the thought of you
and Your dancing dreams.

The inspiration of mind waves
Gleam and poke
Speak truth again as the fade of the night
turns the hum of the day
Into visions of times difference
When our heads rest at mindful hours
Parted
and Straight to the heart.

A.Lord

A quiet 4:30am under the covers. The changing seasonal winds blow. Speaking of covers. I'm safe and warm. I am writing. I wonder what kind of pillow your head rests upon in the west.

I want to hear about your dreams. About the whispers of the heart that dance and turn. Yes, write them down, let them out. Sometimes the booze and weed get us out of our own way, a release perhaps not capable otherwise in this moment. Your words are beautiful. I like hearing your mind expand.

I thought of you tonight. On the walk home. How lovely it was to speak to you. How you make my heart smile. The essence of you.

It is most definitely late and you are most definitely passed out. I write anyway. I was sleeping just before this and was awoken by the voice "look at your phone". I listened. I am glad i did.

Here you are.

Dream in colour. The rich tapestry of vision lingers but for a moment, to be captured and woven together with new light.

Cheers mate. You're lovely. (British accent)

not a love letter

This may or may not be a love letter.
Sober, or less than, when someone tells you they kinda love you, not so easy to brush off. At least for me. With you.
For the record I was not angry. Upon further reflection...I was in fact frustrated at the very essence of being shaken and stirred. By no means angry. I wanted to tell you that. So you know.

I have thought similarly of you. This man, who admires me from a distance. Of whom fond thoughts have existed. Slightly removed, yet seemingly close, here we are, connected. Arguably.
So i write to you, for no other reason than i was compelled to do so.

And I shall write...and say hello. Send the tea. Proceed to carry onwards in my vision. I am building a dream.

For the people, the poets, I wish for us to seek and succumb to the deepest parts of the heart. To never settle. To know the pictures we paint are dreams worth craving. To trust we will live ourselves into the beautiful little imaginary world, suspended, if only for a moment, in it's hideaway. To be found. As life unfolds and we become. And as spoken poetically by a great, in a place where we dare to dream, where we dare to "live the questions now, to live everything".

One day, when our worlds collide in the realest of realness I shall meet this fascinating human. Until then I shall write. I shall dance into the future, of this beautiful life, with a happiness that burns. Showers blessings upon us. I shall wonder of you. From afar. Once removed from often. As you exist in the safe keeping of this heart, ringing fierce frequencies not intended for the moment. On a tilted horizon, where both sides of the sun set, and I may love you reasonably, removed of reason.

Be well. Write on. Drink tea.

Cracks in the Mirror

Basking in complexion
Flickering, boldness
of developed faces
Dimmed perception wanes
To raise truth at smoked mirrors
Catching glimpses of the unseen.
-A.Lord

fall off the page

Alas this poetess can't sleep
Seemingly silent
Speaking truths
Revealed and unspoken
Take yourself to the place where
Stories live
I'll write the words that fall off the page
and drop Rays of light
That turn a key to this moment
-A.Lord

The decadence of Ordinary

You do not cook, scoundrel
Then what is on the table
If not for this teas truth?
I see you, revealed like the tales you tell.
Drops of freedom, no seeming fascination
Might I look again?
The kindness of your blackened eyes
Mysteries these delights.
I am a lover
of those whose hearts beat beyond
The ordinary

I see you, revealed like the stories you tell.
If spokes, were unspoken
Could you handle this curious heart?

I would rather go swimming...
and ride a bike through the city
for it is autumn
and we have nowhere to fall.

We shall meet when you are less than bored

Painted poet, the suits are on the pool deck
Their misplaced grins
You smell good.
Is that Armani from 1958?
A decadent blend
The sun beams beyond this city's needle
Please sir, no spitting on the deck.

window to the soul...

- Bellows Blow -

The story was as so.

at twenty something a

delicate inquiry of intrigue

unknown.

astounded at the bend in the river

she dove

in deep visions

sun's gleam stilled ripples

oh carry her until she's woke.

it was all unknown, until it was so.

dreamers dream at thoughts

below rip tides bellows blow.

frosted waters the mistress skated

across dark veils of silk rainbows

emerging into gold

and it was so. 

and it was so.

and she broke to know things unknown.

from the depths the love will glow.

uncovering wishes like windows to the soul

weighed in feathers dipped in memories

of which life's mystery kindly bestowed.

why do bellows blow?

for flames ignite sparks as

come the rain's un-taming

this love

lays awake and must forgo.

A.Lord

art in the 6.

Post India passion has lead me to unveil poetry I have written in the past ten years as part of an art show of emerging artists in Toronto last week. It was an incredible night shared with beautiful people. So much on the horizon...

Mother India, my teacher.

Mother India you have been my teacher for almost 9 weeks.

This body has learned practice, presence, patience, humility with kindness & a soft heart.

I have have been afforded the opportunity to sit with negative thoughts, really sit with them. Watched the power of their presence and allow them to shift, to pass with time.

I have learned that time is a healing gift, that attachment breeds discontent, that I truly am strong and have a huge ability to connect with others.

I have learned that I want to dedicate my life to making others happy, easing burden and bringing joy into the lives of as many as I can.

I have learned that I am happy on my own.

I have learned how important my family is to me.

I have learned how to forgive those who have caused me pain, but more importantly myself when I was unaware of the deep hurt I was causing myself.

I have learned that I will aim to do more, be disciplined and think less. Serve by example.

I have learned about the importance of diplomacy.

Mother India, I have learned that I am excited to come back next year but how much I yearn for a break from your demands. I have learned I'd rather be a bit cold and put on a sweater instead of sweat my ass off, only to have a shower and still be sweating.

I have learned to be kind to myself with food. I have learned to appreciate white bread again.

I have learned my former psychology was not serving me. I have learned what it looks like to have a very good look at these realizations. I have learned practise. I have practiced. I have learned discipline. I practise discipline. I have learned lightness. I am light.

I have learned how important it is to manage my energy and make sure to direct enough of it inwardly to nourish and keep my heart in good repair. I have learned moderation is beautiful. I have learned to enjoy "little little", to practise "little little", and to take each day "little little" at a time.

This trip has been a gift. It has changed me. I have shifted. So it is back to Canada I walk with a firmer step. One foot at a time...with cut, blistered, broken feet that can best be described as "all fucked up".

I sat. I walked. I ate. I observed. I ran. I got angry. I cried. I fell. I puked. I drank. I swam. I sang. I danced. I laughed. I prayed. I learned.

It's fascinating, it's overwhelming. It's broken me down. It challenged me in unbelievable ways. I was very sad, angry, and slightly bruised when I arrived. My heart was called to this incredible country yearning for balance, for change and for a chance at a fresh perspective. 

India supported me when I needed to break apart even more so that I could pick up the pieces and put myself back together with stronger bonds of love.

I have learned that loneliness and solitude are completely different.

Traveling alone, waking up in a new place completely unfamiliar to me. The scary excitement. The thrill. These feelings that push me to come alive in new ways. I am blessed to have had this experience. I am so incredibly grateful.

Right before India, I cancelled a trip to Peru, didn't make it to see friends in California, I left my job and locked the door to my house. I booked a flight and did not look back.

India, you were the only thing that made sense. It was the only way.

I have learned that cows and horses are free to roam the streets here.

I have learned there are more tea stalls than Starbucks, more people than tea stalls and a scary amount of garbage that collects on even the cleanest of city streets. 

I have learned to see beauty in the darkness, navigate crowded city streets with grace and appreciate the most frustrating days with horns honking, squished car rides and uncomfortable bouncing buses.

Life is so different in the east. Life is intense. People are loud and aggressive bread from survival. People here are so unbelievably generous. 

I'm in aw of everyone with kind eyes, a gummy sweet smile with sometimes rotting teeth. Kindness radiates in this crazy country.

For in the midst of dirt, heat, adversity and chaos they "keep smile". This sentiment resonates, soothes and uplifts even the most dampened spirits.

It's hot and dirty, dusty and magical. Life is not easy here, and yet things are simple. People are not obsessed with the unnecessary. Perhaps out of necessity. They care for family, do their part and perform everyday rituals that keep their lives rooted in something bigger than the self.

I have learned we are here to serve each other. We are here to be happy. We are here to share our unique gifts with each other. To smile at one another. To support. To help ease burden, pain, sadness and sorrow of our fellow humans. We are here be the best versions of ourselves. To connect with others. To protect our earth. To enjoy our lives.

We all share this earth. We belong to each other. 

This journey is the beginning of a new chapter in life...I couldn't be more ready. Thank you India. I bring home with me a smile. I am humbled, honoured, and pretty much always hungry - because I'm pretty sure I also brought home a stomach parasite :)

Tis' only the beginning.

A 

the Indian post office experience...part two: fed ex.

a low moment in the Darj.

Ugh. why is it such a mission to send post in this country. So after my stressful 5 hour post office experience in Trevandrum I vowed i was not going to send post again from India.

Well.....i've just completed a relatively quicker, more stressful and most definitely more expensive fed ex experience in Darjeeling.

I am exhausted, hungry, shaky. I'm not sure why shipping is such an intense experience, but it requires every ounce of my being to keep collected while enduring this process.

Maybe it's the manhandling of my carefully selected and packed items. Zero mindfulness. And don't even get me started about the excessive amount of packing tape used in what can only be called a "packaging performance" haha.

I've just returned to the town after a trek through the gorgeous Himalayas and I think my nervous system is just doing a little adjustment. Not to mention I am definitely PMSing to ad insult to injury. 

A little peanut butter and toast, some Bedouin Soundclash on the iphone....a sit down at good old Glenary's and i'll be back in action shortly.

#india.

Ashley & the Indian Post Office Experience...part one.

Post office arrival about 11am.

Wait in line to get good packed up (mandatory for customs inspection)

Get to front of line. No boxes that will fit all my stuff. (no boxes at all really!)

12:15pm am directed to go across the street to the paint place and they will give me a box.

12:25pm back in line (the box retrieval was unspeakably quick.) 

12:30 sweet indian man starts packing up my box

1:30 after a few "back in 5 minutes" sweet indian man completes package (using way more tape, string and exacto knife maneuvers than necessary...but perhaps it's necessary for the one month transit period of said box)

1:40ish sweet indian box packer friend directs me over to a window and points to a sign signalling me to write certain words on the custom papers i have previously filled out. I need another form. Apparently he couldn't have told me this an hour ago.

1:50 Waiting at window for attendant to help.

2pm still waiting. My package is now brought over to where I am waiting.

2:10 Things are looking good and a new man sits down to enter all the information into their computer system. Bad news, it's going to cost 5800 rupees which i don't have in cash.

2:20 Phoebes guards the package and I run to the bank

2:27 back from the bank. New information entering man has vanished.

2:30 i causally joke that he probably went to lunch. This is exactly what he has done.

2:45 move to next counter and wait for new lady to start the process over.

2:55 get swarmed by people in line behind me pushing their hands through the window which i'm clearly standing in front of

3pm try to take up more space and fend off the inpatient customers behind me.

3:20 - can't believe that it's over. 

3:21 - thinking to myself that after all that i might never see that package again. 

kickin' it in Darj.

Arriving in Darjeeling India about a week ago, did I know then how this incredibly magical place would lift my spirits as it has? I'd like to think yes, but nothing prepares one for what it is like to hike in the himalayas for the first time.

I came here to trek. To walk in the hills like people have for centuries and centuries. To be deep in nature, both the external and my inner world. 

Following my senses as per this adventure I settled in Darj town for a few days, explored, met some locals, had delicious meals, got incredibly sick; all the while keeping my ears open for a crew of trekking mates I could team up with. After laying in bed the entire day recovering from a heavy dose of food poisoning I ventured out for about an hour, to get some fresh air and check my email from a quaint little cafe called Glenary's.

Overhearing a guy two tables away speak to some locals about "trek" and "five days" my senses were alerted. Yup, i needed to talk to this dashing looking man. As he was leaving I had also just packed up my belongings and we met as we were both walking out. "Hi i'm sorry to bother you, but I heard you talking about trekking and I just wanted to ask you about it"

"I'm Will" he says to me with a smile.

And the rest is history. We walked to meet his friends (funnily enough at the same trekking agency that I'd been inquiring at) and I loved them immediately. Three dudes from the states...we were all about the same age, and all equally as excited for the days ahead. 

I actually didn't commit right away...it took me a little contemplation time (the idea of leaving in the morning and packing up all my stuff that night after not sleeping at all the night before wasn't exactly sitting well with me....) but it just felt right and I knew this was it.

We left things as "maybe i'll see you in the morning or maybe I won't".

I found out later they had given me about a 30% chance of committing. Ha! 

Well I ran into them at the bank about half an hour later and proved them all wrong.

So I packed up, got a good night's sleep, and met the team the next morning. 

Will, Gabe, Sandeep, Ram (our guide) and I were off to the mountains.

sitting in discomfort.

Sitting with the many discomforts of my own mind has been a blessing and more importantly, a huge challenge. Scooping myself up and getting on a plane to India was pivotal in my life, in my evolution. There have been so many moments of discomfort while travelling. Going through the waves of panchkarma treatment, being hot, vulnerable and alone in Kolkata, getting extremely sick in Darjeeling - these instances when I reflect on them, were only glimpses of the journey. At the time, they of course carried a heavier burden, but for me, they have all been incredible gifts. Laying here alone in my bed in the mountains of India I think back to the nature of my mind Before I left on this trip. It's tendencies, the balance it sought.

I'm here now. I've come face to face with these intense difficulties to push me. To break me right down, collect myself and raise myself above where i sat before.

Reflecting on the challenge of being alone and uncomfortable, the first place my mind goes to is the thought of going home. Of course being in a familiar safe place is bound to ease the wave for a moment or for a few days. But then I'd be right back where I was. Sitting with myself, really just here with no where to go, no delicious snacks to eat, no Facebook or YouTube to distract me, but just right here. What does my mind do? First I calm my body, I do a little meditation to increase my vibration. To lift me from the darkness of despair and out of uncomfortable places. And then I contemplate the thoughts, lightly without judgement. I notice my tendencies to want to distract myself. I also notice parts of my mind jump to immediately wanting to tell someone, announce my discomfort...do I believe this will make it more real? I don't know. But what I do know is I have learned to take space from my own nature. From the discomfort. Create space between the thought and the impulse action of the lower mind. I've read about these concepts for years, seen them in practice in mere glimpses of my life. What India has taught me is to be in my practice. That each moment is precious and deserves/demands love attention and respect from the higher Self. This will be a constant challenge. I will still sometimes wish I took more space and time, showed myself more love. But in these moments when I can meet myself with the softness I deserve, to know that I'm still human, and well, it's okay not to be okay. That's the practice. I hold myself with love tonight and carry ease in my heart. 

Namaste & Bon soir.

Ashley 

Solo Travel; thoughts from the train.

I try to fly under the radar the best I can when I travel. Sporting a relatively ugly hat, local dress, no makeup and sunglasses, none the less there is still no mistaking my white skin. The look of a woman who is like a fish out of water but also equally at home in her element of travel and adventure.

When I travel I love to get to the heart of the community. Imagine what it would be like to live there, act less like a tourist and (when appropriate) aim to integrate into the rhythms of daily life, feel the flow and contribute positively to people's lives and way of life.

The past five weeks in India have been incredibly amazing, they have been equally as challenging. I have pushed myself and been pushed far beyond the boundaries of comfort. I have faced my mind head on, my self imposed fears and mind's nature. I have also been grateful to recognize when very real circumstantial fear has forced me to step up to the plate and pushed me to expand.

Traveling alone is hard. It is unfamiliar and familiar. It is extreme highs and heavy lows. It's hot, dirty, wonderful and humbling. I feel very fortunate to be on this journey and I am thankful for the love and support that surrounds me; near and far

April 7th 12:15am

Indian princess down.

Travelling alone is incredibly rewarding. But when you get sick it's a huge test of will. I was awoken in the night; tummy churning, head pounding, and I just threw up (in my ghetto little Indian toilet).

All signs point to "Delhi belly". Damn you vegetarian noodle soup.

I have been lucky and wonderfully healthy for over 6 weeks. No issues with the food. Haven't been sick! The trend has now been broken. And it's rough.

Sitting up in my bed, wrapped in a blanket...I've reached a low point. I'm not well.

There have most certainly been times I've wanted to go home this trip, this moment is at the top of that list. 

I'm really down. I want the comfort of home and the people I love. I just ate an entire pack of tums.

Also, a massive spider just crawled up my wall near the door. Ugh. This too shall pass. 

India:1, Ashley:0

shaken. in Kolkata.

I feel very fortunate to have been born and raised in Canada. Over the past 32 years I have also been afforded the privilege of travel. Toronto, being an already extremely multicultural hub I was exposed to a lot from a young age. I feel like there is nothing that can quite prepare the senses for what I experienced in Kolkata, India. My bones were shaken in this foreign land. There are over 14 million people living in the greater Kolkata area (4.5 of them in the core) and that is very apparent when you see most of them flooding the streets going about their daily business.

Culture shock is an understatement. I've travelled a lot. Lived in Guatemala, El Salvador, California, Switzerland & Greece, backpacked through 13 countries in Europe, cruised the island nations of the Caribbean; even ventured across Canada by train. I have experienced and been exposed to a lot. Kolkata shook me. It was unlike anything I'd ever seen with my own eyes, felt with my senses and tuned into with my heart. It was dirty, busy, hot, chaotic, and as a solo female traveler, extremely uncomfortable at times. Don't get me wrong, there is so much richness to this city in terms of Indian culture. It was once the hub of the British empire in India housing many foreign nationals, the East Indian Trading company was practically born here. It is the only place in Asia with a functioning tram system, the only Indian city that provides rickshaw service by foot and is home to the oldest zoo in the country. There is much to see and appreciate. I saw it. I ventured around by bus, taxi and foot to soak up the most I possibly could in 2 days. But within this cultural Mecca is the despair of an Indian society in shambles. Corruption lures deep into the social wave. Locals told me that everyone is hustling with someone. This doesn't surprise me, also, does not sit well with me. Everyone is on the streets here. More than half of the people I observed with shoes and teeth missing. In the already unhygienic meal preparation on the streets there were even some grabbing scraps off the ground, shitting on the streets and looking up at me with desperate eyes and hands outstretched. It is way of life for them, and a shocking reality to witness. I've always heard about how crowded India is, and all the stereotypes that go along with it. It was a fusion of the reality I had imagined in my head and a clearly painted picture that came to life in front of my eyes. Even the most creative mind couldn't possibly dream up the intensity that is this place.

hot as f*ck in south India.

Hot as F*ck in Varks aka. Varkala Beach, Kerala, India.

riding on my post panchakarma sparkle I have brought myself to the seaside for some sand, sun and shopping :) Varkala Beach has become a popular tourist and backpacker destination in south india, perched above the rolling ocean waves sits "North Cliff", where a pedestrian walkway leads you along the cliff top to explore shops, restaurants, hotels and yoga studios. Wandering the north you'll find countless vendors selling you everything under the sun. clothes, jewelry, purses, trinkets, and more shawls than your mind could ever dream of having. South cliff is a little more laid back, you'lll find "Holy beach" at the end of the main road where puja ceremonies dominate the shore and it is filled with indian locals on vacation. It's been a bit of an energetic adjustment coming to Varkala from the ashram. It can be exhausting when everyone you pass by is coming onto you, trying to sell you something or take you for a ride in their rickshaw. I can appreciate the effort, they are trying to make a living (and it is the end of the season so their are much fewer of us western folks to try their luck with.) C'est la vie, that's india!

I have not been completely comfortable for a while. I've been in Varks for a week now and it's blazing hot. The phrase "hot as fuck" was definitely coined by someone in India. Getting enough water is a very real concern. Buying coconuts roadside for 30 rupee is a daily regime.

My mornings begin around 6 or 7, I venture upstairs to the yoga shala on the roof for sitting meditation, pranayama & asana. There are no classes and I have free reign of the shala to take my time with morning practice. Gazing out across the sky, my eyes land on the palm trees in the distance. A gorgeous drishti for practice times. I've explored a few places on north cliff for breakfast, but my favourite still stands as the Passionfruit restaurant attached to my hotel Askshay Beach Residence. (their food is insanely good - some of the best i've had in india so far....I even got to help them cater a wedding when I first arrived! But more of that in another post!!)

The days have been fun. Over the first couple I met up with a few girls from the ashram. We had some lovely meals together and shopped shopped shopped. It's really been my first real shopping opportunity in India.....so i'm obviously taking full advantage. Not to mention the reduced low season prices. A local jeweller sold me a brilliant ring that i'm absolutely in love with, a handmade gift to myself of sparkling topaz to mark the completion of panchakarmaa and the start of a new beginning on my journey. It reminds me to shine bright and that patience & persistence are beautiful practices.

(A strategic choice on my behalf to wear no jewellery when beginning this pilgrimage to India i'm sure i'll be finding a few more treasures to sport along the way)

Even in this blazing heat i've been sure to do some exploring. Yesterday morning i decided to practice on the beach at 7am followed by a northward walk along the cliff and beyond to a local fishing village where the fishermen had just hauled the nets in and were yelling (a typical event) and haggling to unload the fish to middlemen who deliver to restaurants and markets. I ended up stumbling upon some pretty luxurious and secluded beach resorts close to there and caught a rickshaw back to my side of town.

This little oasis is spilling over with beach comers, stray dogs, epic ocean panoramic views and I have met some lovely people while on this leg of the journey. I'll stay another few days. I've been trying to get a train out of here....but it's proving a difficult task. 

Stay tuned for more on the glorious world of the indian railway....tickets, trials, tribulations and terrible toilets.

with love under the sun,

A

the "glorious" panchakarma experience.

I came to india to renew this body, detox from the stresses of life, balance my emotions and to study the ancient sister science to yoga, Ayurveda. Arriving at the ashram I had the intention of undergoing a full body 14 day revitalization Ayurvedic treatment called panchakarma. Visiting the Sivananda Institute of Health and booking a few massages I decided against it. I would save my money get a few treatments, study books from the library and leave it at that...it didn't happen in exactly that way :)

After 10 days, settling into the waves of life here and some convincing conversations with other guests, i am currently on day 4 of my treatment. 

Panchakarma is a major therapeutic procedure to purify the body. In sanskrit it means Pancha "Five" karma "actions". The procedure is comprised of various "actions"/treatments in three stages: preparatory, panchakarma & post. The prep stage lasts between 7-10 days and includes oil massage, hot bundles of medicated herbs, and shirodhara (the pouring of warm oil on the forehead). Panchakarma stage consists of a purgation (drinking a concoction of herbal medicine) followed by a few days of alternating massages & herbal enemas.

Beginning this treatment I consulted with Dr. Vishnu an expert in the field of Ayurveda medicine. He assigned a specific treatment plan for my specific body type and complaints. Balancing the excess Vata would be essential to healing and letting go of chronic neck and back pain from stress and prior injury.

*

I have reached the halfway point of the treatment. The first week was exhausting. Never would I have imagined a week of massages and literally doing nothing would be so taxing on the body. I have felt fatigued, muscle weakness, constipated, hungry, headaches, angry, sad, content.....the list goes on. My legs have consistently felt heavy over the course of my treatment (stairs might as well be Mount Everest!) It was unreal and extremely baffling to an athlete like myself.

As I learned, for good reasons, the first few days of the preparatory massages really had my body feeling tired. The toxins start to be drawn out from the tissues and the toxic blood slows down the whole system. Over the next few days I started to experience some very strong emotions. Anger and sadness were the two that hit me the most. The anger was a big one for me to really feel, acknowledge and be grateful to release. I could have thought I was going a bit mad had the doctor not been available whenever I needed a chat to ease my mind, it's a wild ride. I started to experience sensations in my veins. I could see my veins pulsing in a way I have never seen before. Imagine there were little bugs crawling under the skin and you can view their movement patterns....thats the best way I can explain it. I've also been hallucinating a bit, mistaking twigs, leaves and shadows for bugs and spiders. Seriously, wild.

This process is not for the faint of mind or heart. It is a deep commitment to wellness. It is a practice of listening to the body and really taking time to rest. Watching my mind want to "be productive" and not just laze around has been a difficult one to overcome. And there has been more dreaming about my favourite foods than imaginable. I have planned and experienced the eating of three of my favourite pizzas from back home in Toronto. One would think this is torturous to daydream about food in this way, but surprisingly it isn't. It's probably because I really have made this commitment and have stuck to it perfectly so far - not even snacking throughout the day! Also it helps to be "trapped" in the ashram unable to escape ;) I know the pizza will be there waiting for me upon return to the T.dot.

Each one of my treatments from days 2-7 are the same. oil massage, followed by herbal hot packs pounded on to the body, then a medicated oil on shoulders, ending with shirodhara (warm oil poured on the forehead) for the balancing of brain waves and emotional stability. It's been amazing to watch the body go through the exact same treatment at the same time of day and have completely different experiences each time. Some days i'm more energetically tired, some days more physically, other days mentally. But i've continued to feel more mentally clear as the days go on.

We, member of the "panchi" club as my friend Phoebes and I have coined it, eat separate from everyone else at the ashram. We are also relieved of our karma yoga duties. The ashram really does hold an incredible container for this healing journey. I'm so thankful.

The sivananda health centre is on the back side of the property and overlooks the lake. It's peaceful. I often sit and write over here. I like it best when the other "panchi's" are not here. They are a bit "chatty" for my liking. You'd think that with 8 signs around the space saying "your silence will help others to heal, so please..." and "silence please" that they would get the point......but they don't. It's kinda nice that most of them speak in french so I can easily tune them out as I don't know what they are saying anyway. haha.

(As I review this collection of thoughts about my panchi experience I'm with three days left of my treatment and I feel less affected by others chatting in the quiet zone. I was wound up tight as a top when starting this process haha).

This has been a brilliant so far. Exhausting, but great. More later. Rest now.

I will be going into some gritty details of the intensity of this experience below...just a warning. I felt the need to write in great detail on my whole panchakarma experience. It was really helpful to read of others experiences online, so i wanted to make sure to share the love and keep the flow of information coming to put other's minds at ease.

*

i will never forget today. March 20th, 2016. After a three day pause (during my period as treatment is not advisable) I restarted panchakarma treatment with a "big enema". About one litre of a specialized "potion" for my specific conditions were pumped into me. A warm shower from the neck down concludes the treatment portion where I alternated between toilet and shower. (In india the entire bathroom is a shower anyway, making this process extremely convenient). 

Intense perspiration combined with deep breathing and waves of tingling and nerve sensation traveling through my arms was what made this experience unforgettable. In the bathroom, naked and looking at my beautiful smile in the mirror I gazed into my own eyes and i knew everything was going to be okay. It was as if all the nervous tension i've been holding, all the discomfort and anger (I had felt particularly angry and intense emotion during Kizhi, when my therapist pounded the hot bundles onto my shoulders and low back) had been extracted. I felt deeply settled in my body in a way I have never experienced before.

Today's treatment was in a new room. The intensity of yesterdays big enema was the real turing point in my panchi. How unbelievably poetic that for the past two weeks i've been in a dark small room. Today I was welcomed into a bright, beautiful corner suite with three windows and gorgeous white tiled walls with some stone trim. Talk about night and day. Talk about literally moving from darkness to light. 

Spirit has been watching over me. I followed my heart and intuition here knowing how badly I was needing some deep healing time.

Three more treatment days and four more days at the ashram. I'll be regrouping and following post treatment from the beach at varkela (although sad to say i am not able to be in the sun, nor swim in the sea....doctors orders). From there the plan is to head north to the mountains...

Tomorrow, March 24th marks the end of a process that required all of my heart and soul. I could not have done this without the support of the community at Sivananda Ashram Neyyar Dam, Kerala, India. I bow in their honour. The doctors and therapists who took care of me for three weeks - I bow to you. I bow to myself and acknowledge the courage, patience and wisdom it required to succeed in this experience. 

Literally I feel reborn. The aliveness in my arms and sensations all the way down to my toes have been awakened and unblocked. Years of "stuck ness" that i've been desperately trying to "unstick" suddenly flowed with ease.

I feel clarity in my mind. Light. I am so humbled by this entire experience. I feel so alive.

The best is yet to come. This experience has been life changing. this experience has exceeded my expectations. this experience is exactly what I needed and what my heart called for.

I've just emerged from my 14th and final treatment. My body is humming with happiness, peace, clarity, freedom, health. I feel radiant and more alive than I ever have. I'm ready to turn 33 and take good care of myself for the rest of my life. To recognise when we need to heal and make space for it is the best gift we can give ourselves. It is so essential for wellbeing. I am beyond inspired and will continue to put my efforts to work and hold healing space for others to nourish and recharge. 

Spring is here. Holi festival is celebrated across this great land. I end panchakarma and look forward to a new beginning.

Essentials for India - The Packing List

When preparing for my Indian adventure I read quite a few blogs, packing lists, travel websites, had been given information from friends, in addition to of course consulting a decade of travel experience I already have under my belt.

The list below is divided into a few sections. My best advice is to pack less than you think you need. Pack and repack. pack and repack. pack and repack. Keep taking things out. If you truly feel like you want to have something with you, bring it. Comfort can be nice in trying times. 

Things I am SO grateful to have brought:

-travel pillow (not only for sleeping but for yoga & meditation)

-hand sanitizer

-about 4 varietals of wipes (face wipes, body refreshers, lysol wipes for cleaning)

-travel mug for tea

-scarf (this can triple as a blanket and also eye mask for sleeping)

-custom essence spray (blended it before I left and added lovely lavender) 

-shampoo & conditioner from LUSH (in amazing little silver containers that won an award for green packaging) love love love these.

-hypoallergenic bed bug mattress protector (and pillowcase) (there most definitely are bed bugs....and I haven't been affected....brilliant investment, i feel so cozy)

-Birkenstocks 

-headlamp/flashlight 

My packing list of goodies:

-apple tablet and wireless keyboard

-light weight sleeping bag (MEC)

-medical travel insurance (i did not add contents insurance, I found the extra cost was not worth it as i did not really bring anything too valuable, except the tablet)

-neutrogena spray on 60spf sun protector

-toiletries....everyone's list will vary. A favourite: burts bees lip balm. Pack this type of stuff in ziplock bags

-extra ziplock bags - these will come in SO handy for so many things

-good bug spray. I am super natural when it comes to my products - but trust, go for the heavy duty outdoorsy/military grade stuff. 

-dr bronners "miracle" soap (it's body wash, it's laundry detergent, it's amazing) 

-tea tree essential oil (it has many great applications)

-oil of oregano & shelf stable probiotics

-glass waterbottle (life factory)

-earplugs & iphone for musica :) crucial

-"Teachings on Love" by Thich Naht Hanh (my favourite book) + one more book

-rain jacket

-down under layer (it's hard to pack for india if you are traveling all over due to so many climates....this light weight jacket also doubles as a second pillow)

-hiking boots

-good travel towel 

-mini backpack/daypack (i didn't bring on my trip to central america and always wished I had it)

-clothing will also vary for everyone...pack light, make each item of clothes work together ideally. I am happy to have light shorts and a tiny tank to sleep in...it's bloody hot here! You can easily buy clothing here though and will want to for sure! Dress conservatively.

-dry bags house my clothes and also double as a laundry bag (it's a nice way to divide stuff in the pack)

-mini lock securing the zipper of my pack (i would leave the tablet in here often and under the bed)

-light slip on shoes (like crocs)

Crap I wish i did not bring:

-a second warm scarf (already shipped home amongst other things)

-a second sports bra

-bug net (every place has them...even the shadier places)

-extra headphones 

-dry shampoo

-a heavier type journal....i haven't really written in it; something lightweight is better

-my favourite comb....i haven't used it once haha (my mother would be mortified!) I have really manageable hair and i just kinda let it be after i comb the conditioner thru it with my fingers :)

-my travel purse....i love it, Its just too cumbersome.

-a pretty extensive medical kit (although i did not really have to dive into it too much.....but medicine is readily available for cheap. This was a personal decision and had I needed something from here i may have been glad for the convenience of carrying it. And also I'm still in India...so there could be a revision to this note - but I hope not)

Things I thought about bringing and was glad I didn't:

-water sanitizing situation (i thought long and hard about this) I am doing no real trekking and can purchase bottled water everywhere easily

-blanket

-laptop

-a large padlock for securing my pack

Like on any journey make sure to bring your ninja street smarts and a beautiful open heart. 

Stay safe & Bon voyage. Love, Ashley

ashram rhythms

It has been almost two weeks since arriving here in India. Sivananda Ashram is like a little piece of Indian heaven. The heat has been an adjustment, with days getting upwards of 40 degrees and nights falling not too far under 30 degrees. None the less, the hot sun shines in the sky. Twice per week on Wednesday and Sunday the entire ashram takes a 30 minute silent walk to the lakeside at 6am to welcome the beautiful sun. As it rises over the mountains, reflecting perfectly into the lake, we sing songs and chant. (The sunset every night is just as captivating and often i'll stand on the roof and watch the big ball of perfect red light set across the valley and over the escarpment.) 

Tea is waiting for us in the garden upon our arrival at 7:30am and we casually start the day chatting amongst friends. 8am we practise yoga, both pranayama (breathing) and asana (postures) with prayers always beginning and ending a class. Brunch is served at 10am. Typically we enjoy rice with delicious mild coconut vegetable curries, with a side of vegetables such as cucumbers, okra, tomato, cabbage, carrot and often yummy tomato soup (a personal favourite). Karma yoga duties, where everyone has assigned jobs to help around the ashram, goes from 11-12. 

Noon time, three days per week teachers offer meditation coaching in the temple and 12:30 asana coaching daily. A daily lecture on various topics such as What is yoga? Pranayama, Bhakti, Ayurveda, etc happens at 2pm. I have attended a few, but I usually get massages at that time and miss it. (more on the wonder of massages later) A second yoga class at 3:30pm (which i'll skip if i've had a massage) taking us to just before dinner at 6pm. Evening satsang at 8pm in the great Swami Vishnu Devananda hall we sit for 30 minutes, sing for 30 and listen to the swami's read from Sivananda's (the guru of this lineage of yoga) books. We chant the Arrati (a "waving of the light" hindu ceremony) and then eat Prasad (tasty snacks first offered to the gods and blessed from our evening of prayers). They have delish Prasad here, peanut balls, spiced bread with nuts, grapes, pomm seeds, banana, sesame snaps etc.

The days are full and rich. I've spent a lot of time in the temple gardens doing walking meditation and writing poetry. This place is perfectly tucked into the tropical Keralan landscape. Palm tress are mixed between papaya, mango & fig trees and closely hug so many more varietals of plants, ferns, palms and trees. Ponds, fountains, statues of deities, pathways, a snack hut,... This sanctuary allows me space to create grooves of familiarity in body and mind. Its aided me in reflection and is letting me heal and put this body back into balance. 

"Wherever you go, there you are" I don't remember who is responsible for this quote...but it always rings true for me. You cannot escape yourself even in the midst of the most gorgeous settings.

Mediation is still a challenge. My mind wanders and gets into planning mode.  I am still overwhelmed by the heat and frustrated with catching a cough/cold when I first arrived. Thoughts of life back home and the analysis of, well everything haha.  It's all here with me. But moment to moment I feel lucky that I can be right here and present to it all. This time is a blessing. I am very fortunate to have the opportunity to sit in my own discomforts and have space to pay attention.

Om namah shivaya,
-A