Darling people of the world, hello!! I'm so happy you are here and I'm grateful to introduce myself to you. You may already know I'm a Holistic Health/Life Coach, Yoga & Meditation Teacher, Artist, Adventurer....
But let me take this moment to tell you some of the other jazz. All that insider info you don't always learn on instagram. Ashley, the human being.
We all have a story to tell, here's a little bit of mine. (the somewhat short version, okay not really)
I believe so deeply in, well, you know, the JOY. Because straight up, for many years I didn't. For a very long time I associated self care, following my heart, with selfishness. Deep down I didn't feel deserving of my life, of love, joy and happiness. There was darkness. I battled myself. I questioned taking up space here. Who was I to feel good, live an amazing life? Why did I get to travel the world and follow my dreams? Why would people want to hear my story? Sometimes I'd think, I'm just a white girl from the burbs, who would believe that my life has been hard? I faced (and still do) deep challenges of navigating the intensity of my internal world. A highly sensitive creature, living with anxiety and subject to a collection of life traumas. The experiences I'd lived through, completely overwhelmed me. Graciously (and sometimes not so graciously) I've come to accept and appreciate just how much love is required to tend to my heart and my life. Amidst the guilt I still dedicated myself to honouring my heart, the work I've done is beautiful and I am proud of the resilience, strength and awareness that has been cultivated as a result. I've forever been a curious soul, fascinated with the human condition, our purpose. Transformational work is powerful. I took a conscious approach to healing from my past, the anger I carried with me, and as some of my hard edges have softened, I am both equally humbled and amazed at how incredible the human being and spirit are. I've integrated my formal education and life experiences, allowed my intuition to guide me and from that space; a trust awakened. I don't have to strive to become this perfect version of myself anymore. I'm pretty sure I love all the imperfection and ALL the crazy poncho sweaters I really want to wear.
Seriously though...
After I'd given up drugs and drinking and started making little shifts for my health & happiness, receiving ongoing support, accountability and encouragement from my coaches was huge for me. Otherwise I'm pretty sure I'd still be hiding from my partner and eating cookies in the closet (true story).
I knew what i needed to do, i just didn't always do it. And constantly hard on myself, thinking I had to do everything perfectly.
As adventurous soul in my twenties, anyone taking a look at my life from the outside would tell you it looked like I was having the most amazing time (and i was) travelling the world, teaching yoga, writing, adventuring, growing, expanding. The problem was, I didn't love myself nearly enough. I was holding so much anger, sadness, shame and grief. Heavy trauma's I'd experienced in my early years had broken my heart. My body was in a constant state of fight or flight, adrenal system overloaded and I had put up protective walls that had me grasping at love in whatever way i could. I eased my heart with drugs, sex, booze, reckless adventure. I was challenged in my relationships with my family, boyfriends and food. I had a slew of digestive issues and chronic pain. In my head I told myself I was taking good care of me, but if I was honest with myself, I wasn't. I continued to pursue a job in the hospitality world because I loved the freedom and the money, even though it was hurting my heart and demanding way too much of my body. I drank and partied, travelled and ate. Yearned for escape in anyway possible. There was a part of me that kinda just didn't give a shit about being super grounded. I was okay with just existing and revelling in the highs that my lifestyle was indicative of. It got to the point where my body was like - NOPE we're not doing this anymore. I had adrenal fatigue, a slew of digestive issues, my skin was a mess, I was just exhausted. One thing that really stood out - it got to the point where I was having a hard time going out in public or to social occasions. As the social butterfly i'd always been I just couldn't believe that being out and about was firing up SO much anxiety and stress. (I'd been working in hospitality for the better part of two decades, this was alarming to me, not to mention I was feeling an overwhelming amount of guilt for just how much rest I needed.)
Giving myself permission to finally let others see that my heart was hurting put me in the most wonderfully vulnerable place. You see, I'd been teaching yoga, guiding meditation and working in the health and wellness world for many years at this point. I was the one helping everyone else. I used my work in this world as a mask. It was exhausting to wear the face of someone who was rocking life, when instead, life was rocking me. I did not feel worthy of love. From some very dark times, I have been blessed with so much light. And in the light there is love. Would I change anything, absolutely not. I just knew I there was a more beautiful version of myself waiting to emerge.
Throughout this time i'd always had my yoga and meditation practise, teachers and mentors that I could connect with when I felt lost. Good teachers always hold a vision for you. One of trust. Of love. Often bigger than you can hold yourself. One that would remind me to always turn inward, trust myself and the process of life. This allowed me to always move through challenging times with a lightness, a gratitude for the process, being present to the living of life in ALL it's wonder. I am forever grateful to these amazing people that helped light the way for me. I am forever grateful for the courage to always trust my own heart.
One day I just remember saying, that's it. I'm ready. I'm ready to love myself more and commit to doing everything that was going to lead me back to falling in love with myself. I didn't really know what was in store for me at the time, but I soon realized it required a commitment to bold honesty, forgiveness and was fully rooted, centred in self care. I gave up drugs and alcohol, and with them an identity that served me well for much of my young life. I let go of a few relationships, retired from hospitality and stayed true to a vow i'd promised myself two years earlier while in India, to always support my inner sparkle. There was an inner warrior within me, calling, her voice getting louder. She wanted to shine and I was doing a dis-service to the world by not allowing her to be here, living her fullest potential.
My story deserves to be heard. My colourful past is what put me on the path to deeply appreciate self care and nourishment. I hope to inspire others to celebrate themselves, take good care and to not underestimate the amount of love that is always required as we navigate the inevitable shit storms of life!
For a long time I was obsessed with transformation, expansion, reading all the self help books, going on all the retreats, doing all of the cleanses, taking all of the potions. My heart was like - I need this!! It was all part of the journey. but this pursuit at the time was (honestly) in an effort to get rid of the darkness. The parts of me that felt shame, anger and grief were "bad", I was like, you guys gotta go. This was part of my struggle for years. That was the trouble! I didn't realize it for so long but I was abandoning important parts of myself that simply wanted acknowledgement, they wanted love and without it, continued to cause my suffering. I wanted to feel better so intensely that I'd plagued myself with rigidity. Then it hit me! (During a session of sound healing....like I said, I did all the things lol) I needed to invite everyone to dinner, all the parts of me. I softened. Something turned me so deeply towards love. I started to welcome all parts of myself, my life, my story; struggles with shame, fear and anger. It was only when I accepted these parts of myself that was I able to truly find forgiveness & healing. To love ALL of me.
Everything changed when I was willing to be seen in my struggle. When accountability shifted me and the beautiful mess had become something I'd truly embraced and embodied. I was able to celebrate the dark and the light. I was able to be open to allowing myself to be held. I wouldn't change a thing about my life. From challenges come our greatest gifts. From the dark emerges the light. Life is hard. But it's how we show up for ourselves that really matters.
It is in the darkness, where I found my greatest gifts.
One of my favourite poets says it perfectly...
"ring the bells that still can ring.
Forget your perfect offering,
There is a crack, a crack in everything,
That's how the light gets in"
- Leonard Cohen.
Becoming a health and life coach has been the perfect coming together of all of my passions and gifts, life experience and formal education. Through yoga, coaching, retreats, healing treatments, art and all that I do, I help others awaken the parts of themselves that are calling out for love. I offer tools that strengthen their connection to the abundant energy within them, work through traumas to heal their heart and ease their mind; this is why I am here on this earth. We all have a story to share. I am blessed to do the work I do. I want to inspire women to love themselves more. Share their stories of trauma & triumph. Accept anger, heal shame. Let the light in. Inspire. Love. Awaken. To spark the revolution of finding JOY in the journey of transformation.
Why shouldn't it be awesome, to fall back in love with yourself?!
You do the world a dis service when you withhold your light.
And so with that I offer these words:
Inspire others with your story,
Love yourself. ALL of you. Even the part that wants to hide in the closet and eat all the cookies.
Get curious about your beautiful heart and revel in your unique gifts.
Be unapologetically you.
MODEL YOUR GREATNESS, so that others, may model theirs.
Awaken.
You are amazing.
We are all masterpieces and works in progress, simultaneously.
Many Blessings,
Ashley xo
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