There came a point where I did not practise yoga anymore.
A practise I adored for years, learning, teaching, moving, doing. It caused me pain and I was angry.
This was curiously challenging. I knew deep down there was something up with my body that I hadn't
figured out yet. But I was resisting the very essence that yoga teaches, to pay attention, to lean in.
I was not leaning in. I was leaning out, so far out that I was denying myself the attention I needed. I was
caught in my shadow. My practised had shifted from active to passive very quickly and not only was
my pain getting worse but I dismissed any thought or whisper that I needed to do something about it.
Woah. This was intense. and a realisation I continued to ignore.
A practise I adored for years, learning, teaching, moving, doing. It caused me pain and I was angry.
This was curiously challenging. I knew deep down there was something up with my body that I hadn't
figured out yet. But I was resisting the very essence that yoga teaches, to pay attention, to lean in.
I was not leaning in. I was leaning out, so far out that I was denying myself the attention I needed. I was
caught in my shadow. My practised had shifted from active to passive very quickly and not only was
my pain getting worse but I dismissed any thought or whisper that I needed to do something about it.
Woah. This was intense. and a realisation I continued to ignore.
But then there came a time where all of this changed. Like a bat outta hell, it hit me up the head. I knew
I needed to make a shift. I knew I wanted to stop turning my back on a practise that had given me so
much over the years. Yoga as I now define it; "The art of paying attention."
I needed to make a shift. I knew I wanted to stop turning my back on a practise that had given me so
much over the years. Yoga as I now define it; "The art of paying attention."
So began a new curiosity and in turn, a humble new beginning of my life long love affair with yoga.
Like all my blogs, this is a story from my heart, not an article or review. But I'm totally plugging
https://yogadetour.com/ Because the yogi's out there whose body's feel broken like mine did......
need to know about Cecily, and the glorious community that's challenging the status quo and asking
important questions.
Back to my tale.... :)
Like all my blogs, this is a story from my heart, not an article or review. But I'm totally plugging
https://yogadetour.com/ Because the yogi's out there whose body's feel broken like mine did......
need to know about Cecily, and the glorious community that's challenging the status quo and asking
important questions.
Back to my tale.... :)
I'd asked a lot of my body over the years. Intense, physically and mentally draining job waiting tables,
teaching yoga on the side, no time or energy to want to do anything but rest between shifts. (not to
mention drink a tone and do a bunch of drugs). My practise began shifting into a more
meditative, quiet, slow, grounding place. Looking back, I need that.
I needed the quiet. Away from the world. The booze, the drugs, the people.
I didn't realize just how much energy I was taking on as a result of my profession and lifestyle
....and It was all i could do at the time. A little asana sprinkled in here, a dance class there....but that was it.
teaching yoga on the side, no time or energy to want to do anything but rest between shifts. (not to
mention drink a tone and do a bunch of drugs). My practise began shifting into a more
meditative, quiet, slow, grounding place. Looking back, I need that.
I needed the quiet. Away from the world. The booze, the drugs, the people.
I didn't realize just how much energy I was taking on as a result of my profession and lifestyle
....and It was all i could do at the time. A little asana sprinkled in here, a dance class there....but that was it.
So fast forward i've finally given up, retired, if you will, from the hospitality industry. It had been 18
fabulously long years and a whole other story as to how that all came about. But I was done. As my
body began to digest and rest from those 18 years....something beautiful happened. A little tickle in my
heart said, go back to your mat. Find yoga again. Trust in the practise that has always been your rock.
Pay attention for the love of god!
But that little whisper also told me I needed a radically different approach.
Because not only did my tough job crack me open, but every time I'd practise demanding yogic
postures (asana) I couldn't move for days after. It became very real to me that I felt lost in the
foundational approach to movement. I couldn't answer simple questions I was asking myself about why things
hurt and why certain movements and exercises that I thought should help were causing me so
much pain. Enter curiosity. Enter anger because i'd been an athlete my
whole life, a yoga teacher for 10 plus years and I was basically pissed off and so frustrated. Again,
enter curiosity. I was ready to lean in, I was ready to take a deeper look into my injury and how I
approached movement, and more importantly, how I approached myself, through the lens of movement.
Enter Yoga Detour (YD).
fabulously long years and a whole other story as to how that all came about. But I was done. As my
body began to digest and rest from those 18 years....something beautiful happened. A little tickle in my
heart said, go back to your mat. Find yoga again. Trust in the practise that has always been your rock.
Pay attention for the love of god!
But that little whisper also told me I needed a radically different approach.
Because not only did my tough job crack me open, but every time I'd practise demanding yogic
postures (asana) I couldn't move for days after. It became very real to me that I felt lost in the
foundational approach to movement. I couldn't answer simple questions I was asking myself about why things
hurt and why certain movements and exercises that I thought should help were causing me so
much pain. Enter curiosity. Enter anger because i'd been an athlete my
whole life, a yoga teacher for 10 plus years and I was basically pissed off and so frustrated. Again,
enter curiosity. I was ready to lean in, I was ready to take a deeper look into my injury and how I
approached movement, and more importantly, how I approached myself, through the lens of movement.
Enter Yoga Detour (YD).
I remember laying awake one night, my love beside me fast asleep, and I began searching
(as I do some sleepless nights) on my phone. Searching for a solution. Asking the universe to guide
me to the right practise. (for some reason, on this particular night i knew the solution was to take myself
to the internet!.....it has all the answers right? haha
I was asking spirit to help me find a way I could explore my body again, in a safe way, grounded
in the practise I love. I actually think Yoga Detour found me. I remember thinking, it made no sense.
I have no idea how I stumbled upon it online, as i wasn't really running specific searches and I really don't
know why I was there in my bed at 3am applying on their website for the upcoming teacher training.
But there I was.
I awoke the next morning, thinking, what was that about? Then carried on with my day. A couple weeks
later I heard from them. I had been accepted to their program. I resisted at first. I declined, thinking,
oh this is too much money and it's not the right time. I've been teaching for 10 plus years, I don't need to
do this. That'd I'd applied on a whim one night wanting a quick fix.
And so I let it go. Forgot all about it, the program and my mysterious 3am internet browsing adventures.
Meanwhile the universe had another option all laid out for me. More months
had passed and two weeks before the program started I got another email from Cecily, the founder of
YD - with another offering to the program and with a scholarship offer. I accepted. The discount was
definitely helpful. Girls gotta pay rent!
(as I do some sleepless nights) on my phone. Searching for a solution. Asking the universe to guide
me to the right practise. (for some reason, on this particular night i knew the solution was to take myself
to the internet!.....it has all the answers right? haha
I was asking spirit to help me find a way I could explore my body again, in a safe way, grounded
in the practise I love. I actually think Yoga Detour found me. I remember thinking, it made no sense.
I have no idea how I stumbled upon it online, as i wasn't really running specific searches and I really don't
know why I was there in my bed at 3am applying on their website for the upcoming teacher training.
But there I was.
I awoke the next morning, thinking, what was that about? Then carried on with my day. A couple weeks
later I heard from them. I had been accepted to their program. I resisted at first. I declined, thinking,
oh this is too much money and it's not the right time. I've been teaching for 10 plus years, I don't need to
do this. That'd I'd applied on a whim one night wanting a quick fix.
And so I let it go. Forgot all about it, the program and my mysterious 3am internet browsing adventures.
Meanwhile the universe had another option all laid out for me. More months
had passed and two weeks before the program started I got another email from Cecily, the founder of
YD - with another offering to the program and with a scholarship offer. I accepted. The discount was
definitely helpful. Girls gotta pay rent!
Program starts, i'm still kinda unsure why i'm there, even though somewhere in my heart I know it's
the place for me. Then the first weekend hits and the co-teacher is a dear friend i didn't even know
was on the faculty! It was a wonderful weekend spent with some really solid humans. Over that
weekend I ran into another couple of people i'd come to know in my past, everything just seemed to
fit together perfectly. I knew I was in the right place. And totally unknowing to what I would come to
discover about myself and the body. (side note, teacher trainings, self care, self
expansion work are always so wonderfully surprising. So humbling as they push you to look at parts of
yourself you'd never accepted, leaned into or looked at in that way before). I’m never the same after a
teacher training. In the most amazing way.
the place for me. Then the first weekend hits and the co-teacher is a dear friend i didn't even know
was on the faculty! It was a wonderful weekend spent with some really solid humans. Over that
weekend I ran into another couple of people i'd come to know in my past, everything just seemed to
fit together perfectly. I knew I was in the right place. And totally unknowing to what I would come to
discover about myself and the body. (side note, teacher trainings, self care, self
expansion work are always so wonderfully surprising. So humbling as they push you to look at parts of
yourself you'd never accepted, leaned into or looked at in that way before). I’m never the same after a
teacher training. In the most amazing way.
My instincts couldn't have been more right. This was exactly where I needed to be - what was being
called into my life. Yoga Detour approaches the body in a way I'd never learned, thought of or perceived
before. My teachers were radically contradicting much of what Id learned in my years of yoga training,
in the best way possible. We were learning more about movement in general. How to strengthen, pay
attention and move the body well. How strength plays such an integral role in movement.
That activating a muscle would do more for pain than passively stretching or resting it would. I knew in
my heart that my approach and asana practise was centred heavily around chasing sensation,
something i think we yogis are rockstars at. Oh I was amazing at getting right into the deepest feelings,
almost to the point where my mind was so checked out that because it rested so easily and comfortably
in those end ranges where I had no strength. Just bendy-ness.
And while for years this beautiful way of practise and feeling deep into sensations has got me connected
to myself in many way, I have found that my attention had been so heavily swayed into this culture of
chasing sensation, letting things feel....oh so gooooood.
In reflection, I remember so many times, "Juicy" was a word I'd heard many yoga teachers say in
the past (and i'd shutter every time id heard it....even though i'd accepted it, i guess
intuitively my body never resonated with this way of practising that Id followed for many years).
Go deeper, wider, stretch my limits, push my own boundaries. Ooooh Yes, this should feel sooo juicy to
not have any control or strength in those end ranges. HA!
called into my life. Yoga Detour approaches the body in a way I'd never learned, thought of or perceived
before. My teachers were radically contradicting much of what Id learned in my years of yoga training,
in the best way possible. We were learning more about movement in general. How to strengthen, pay
attention and move the body well. How strength plays such an integral role in movement.
That activating a muscle would do more for pain than passively stretching or resting it would. I knew in
my heart that my approach and asana practise was centred heavily around chasing sensation,
something i think we yogis are rockstars at. Oh I was amazing at getting right into the deepest feelings,
almost to the point where my mind was so checked out that because it rested so easily and comfortably
in those end ranges where I had no strength. Just bendy-ness.
And while for years this beautiful way of practise and feeling deep into sensations has got me connected
to myself in many way, I have found that my attention had been so heavily swayed into this culture of
chasing sensation, letting things feel....oh so gooooood.
In reflection, I remember so many times, "Juicy" was a word I'd heard many yoga teachers say in
the past (and i'd shutter every time id heard it....even though i'd accepted it, i guess
intuitively my body never resonated with this way of practising that Id followed for many years).
Go deeper, wider, stretch my limits, push my own boundaries. Ooooh Yes, this should feel sooo juicy to
not have any control or strength in those end ranges. HA!
Ugh. So, no shit I was all sorts of hyper mobile, totally tensed up in some areas, loose as a goose in
others, a perfect combination of rigidity with a beautifully open and energetic heart. My body was a
mess. And let me tell you it was telling me loud and clear. My back hurt everyday. And so my
conditioning told me to go to the pain, to be with it, to feel it and move it. That by chasing these
sensations I could honour my pain. Ya, dead wrong! (I mean on one hand, having this deep awareness
of my body was awesome.....but a total double edge sword at some points because I actually feel I
was amplifying the pain by paying attention, some how giving it more power) My education tell me,
that I am correct. Thinking about pain....oh it's gonna make it worse, no doubt. So what to do?
This pain was worsening.
others, a perfect combination of rigidity with a beautifully open and energetic heart. My body was a
mess. And let me tell you it was telling me loud and clear. My back hurt everyday. And so my
conditioning told me to go to the pain, to be with it, to feel it and move it. That by chasing these
sensations I could honour my pain. Ya, dead wrong! (I mean on one hand, having this deep awareness
of my body was awesome.....but a total double edge sword at some points because I actually feel I
was amplifying the pain by paying attention, some how giving it more power) My education tell me,
that I am correct. Thinking about pain....oh it's gonna make it worse, no doubt. So what to do?
This pain was worsening.
I couldn't remember a day going by where I wasn't in pain. My back was screaming at me, my
mobility was getting worse. I felt fragile and the opposite of strong. Then I started having shooting
pains down my legs that freaked me out. I remember feeling like I was so afraid to be in a car or
doing any kind of activity that would put me at risk for falling because I was scared I was gonna break
or be paralyzed. Ugh....RED FLAG ALERT! haha, but seriously, this was obviously alarming to me.
mobility was getting worse. I felt fragile and the opposite of strong. Then I started having shooting
pains down my legs that freaked me out. I remember feeling like I was so afraid to be in a car or
doing any kind of activity that would put me at risk for falling because I was scared I was gonna break
or be paralyzed. Ugh....RED FLAG ALERT! haha, but seriously, this was obviously alarming to me.
So I went to my doctor (oh the lovely doctors paid for by the government here in Canada.....awesome
and not awesome all at once, that's a totally different rant when it comes to the bureaucracy and the
often unhelpful medical system I’m equally grateful for and frustrated with). So my doctor, he basically
made me feel like I was crazy and making up my pain. And this made me think back a few years and
how there had been many doctors on the same train as him, so many times i'd mentioned to them
about my excruciating back and neck pain. You want to know what they always told me? Yup, same
thing every time. Oh you should go get some massages! Like, what the actual fuck!? Thanks for
nothing.
and not awesome all at once, that's a totally different rant when it comes to the bureaucracy and the
often unhelpful medical system I’m equally grateful for and frustrated with). So my doctor, he basically
made me feel like I was crazy and making up my pain. And this made me think back a few years and
how there had been many doctors on the same train as him, so many times i'd mentioned to them
about my excruciating back and neck pain. You want to know what they always told me? Yup, same
thing every time. Oh you should go get some massages! Like, what the actual fuck!? Thanks for
nothing.
Knowing what i know now (thanks to an education totally spawned from my own nerdiness, and
passionate fascination with all things the body, always trusting my spidey senses, and my own
research) it's pretty easy for me to say that generally speaking, movement and the medical system is
often not being approached in a way that creates sustainability. More on that later.
passionate fascination with all things the body, always trusting my spidey senses, and my own
research) it's pretty easy for me to say that generally speaking, movement and the medical system is
often not being approached in a way that creates sustainability. More on that later.
So back at the doctor, I thought, you know what, i'm really gonna have to turn up my crazy lady dial
here on my pain and tell this dude that i'm having some pretty severe pains, even shooting pains
(which sidenote, weren't really that bad, but for the sake of getting this guy to help me, i made it
seem far worse than it was….or perhaps I’d lived so long with pain i was numb…..it’s toss up)
here on my pain and tell this dude that i'm having some pretty severe pains, even shooting pains
(which sidenote, weren't really that bad, but for the sake of getting this guy to help me, i made it
seem far worse than it was….or perhaps I’d lived so long with pain i was numb…..it’s toss up)
It almost reaches the end of our time together, after dude hoists me up onto the table and checks
my reflexes (thanks a lot) that he was going to bid me farewell. So, I turn around, look him right in
the eyes and I boldly said to him (almost yelling) "well I guess you can pretty much do NOTHING
to help me". He looked at me, a little taken back, I could tell he contemplated for a moment and then
revisited eye contact with me, stating begrudgingly that he'd offer to book me an appointment for an
MRI. All I thought, well it's about bloody time!! So he got his shit together, stepped up to the plate and
finally I felt like I was getting somewhere with this frustrating part of the journey. (okay i know i'm
ranting, but still).
my reflexes (thanks a lot) that he was going to bid me farewell. So, I turn around, look him right in
the eyes and I boldly said to him (almost yelling) "well I guess you can pretty much do NOTHING
to help me". He looked at me, a little taken back, I could tell he contemplated for a moment and then
revisited eye contact with me, stating begrudgingly that he'd offer to book me an appointment for an
MRI. All I thought, well it's about bloody time!! So he got his shit together, stepped up to the plate and
finally I felt like I was getting somewhere with this frustrating part of the journey. (okay i know i'm
ranting, but still).
Rants aside, I had my MRI a month later and BOOM. Herniated discs. Not one, but TWO.
L4/L5/L5/S1. Yup. I am not totally crazy. My discs were popping right on outta there. Good times.
This was no joke. And although i’m not a huge advocate of the whole diagnosis and labelling thing
defining my circumstances.....
…...this was important for my own validation and understanding of what was present.
This was no joke. And although i’m not a huge advocate of the whole diagnosis and labelling thing
defining my circumstances.....
…...this was important for my own validation and understanding of what was present.
Thus began a huge wake up call that has been one of the biggest blessings to date.
And though I was kinda worried at the time, I felt a deep ease knowing that I could move forward
from here, right where I was. Busted up discs, a questionable movement practise, but adorned
with a newly awakened curiosity. One that was so fondly familiar. The same curiosity from the
beginning days of my yoga practise 17 years ago.
So that was a big old ramble....had to get that all out.
Studying with Yoga Detour for the past year was so important for my healing, my teaching and allowed
me to ask important questions about how we're approaching movement as a culture.
I'm forever grateful and highly recommend the beautiful work they are doing.
https://yogadetour.com/
And though I was kinda worried at the time, I felt a deep ease knowing that I could move forward
from here, right where I was. Busted up discs, a questionable movement practise, but adorned
with a newly awakened curiosity. One that was so fondly familiar. The same curiosity from the
beginning days of my yoga practise 17 years ago.
So that was a big old ramble....had to get that all out.
Studying with Yoga Detour for the past year was so important for my healing, my teaching and allowed
me to ask important questions about how we're approaching movement as a culture.
I'm forever grateful and highly recommend the beautiful work they are doing.
https://yogadetour.com/
In conclusion, Injuries are teachers. Trusting myself is so important. And inspiration can be found
everywhere when you’re willing to look for it and do the work to allow it to serve your highest good
and open you to possibilities you never thought possible.. I’m so grateful for my new movement
family of Yoga Detour. I am grateful for my curious heart and to have fallen back in love with a
practise that is forever changing and evolving as I am. And I’m just so humbled everyday
at this crazy journey of life all it’s lessons, blessings and joy.
everywhere when you’re willing to look for it and do the work to allow it to serve your highest good
and open you to possibilities you never thought possible.. I’m so grateful for my new movement
family of Yoga Detour. I am grateful for my curious heart and to have fallen back in love with a
practise that is forever changing and evolving as I am. And I’m just so humbled everyday
at this crazy journey of life all it’s lessons, blessings and joy.
And on one final note...Trust yo self. You know your heart, your body...no matter what anyone else has
to say, let it speak louder than anything. Trust your instincts and advocate for yourself. Get strong.
Stop diving deep into sensation. Stop chasing pain.
And always remember, your truth will lead you where you need to go.
to say, let it speak louder than anything. Trust your instincts and advocate for yourself. Get strong.
Stop diving deep into sensation. Stop chasing pain.
And always remember, your truth will lead you where you need to go.
Much love,
Ashley
p.s. I went to a yoga class last week and no joke the teacher said - "pushing, is the essence of stretching,
bend, yes, bend, go beyond your flexibility"Like what the actual fuck.
There is so much goodness out there in the yoga world....and there is also a lot of shit that is gonna
lead people straight to hating yoga and not being able to walk.
I'm so grateful to be a voice for change in this crazy beautiful industry of ours.
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