a love poem.

- here we sit -

and one day the sun rises in the same way, but all is different.

the bed is empty and the fridge is full.

with a new four walls to contain the tears;

the little heart breaks again.

you are still right there.

but where will you land?

In this place that unfolded from pain

Here we sit.

with every reason to pick up the pieces

these broken wings do not want to fly.

is the toolbox empty or does it need dusting?

a broken heart sits in stillness.

be calm little heart.

breathe in the white space that surrounds you.

sit there. it is okay to be there.

rest your wings, but only for now.

-A.Lord.

it's autumn poetry time.

And in the fall there are cozy candlelit rooms, autumn breezes, I wear blankets and write. A sweet friend inspired this, I am grateful for this secret collaboration...

-Birds in the wind-

let us fly through this vast sea, breathing in the ocean and watch the water's sparkle ignite the waves. the magic happens in the mix of the elements, the heart dreams and the dreamer sees the space it can be trusted to. for it will reveal only truths that spin and flicker, known only to the body, where the waves have settled and reflections find themselves again. 

for it is the vastness of the sea that revels in its sparkle. white space turned dark in the hallows of the deep blue depths. questioning the folly of this act abounds the mind.

astounds. the profound wonder of the heart.

but playful beginnings bring truth. Knowledge of self. Peace.

for is this not all what we seek?

and this wonder knows peace above and below water. the sinking is as real as this movement upwards that refracts outwards towards the birds. swept up and away they glide and glisten as their shimmering feathers coo in the wind. and there is silence. and in that silence, everything all at once. the bevels of sound and magic and wonder. it is silent and sound. it is peaceful and treacherous. it is alive and deeply rooted in the earth below. the bird still soars and knows it's dream is real.

write the controversial. speak from the heart. just write.

Reading my book today " A year of writing dangerously" the author speaks about her experience of writing the controversial. Writing what she normally wouldn't for the sake of the art. She mentions the following quote, which deeply resonates with me.

"And so I began to write about the things I thought I would never tell another soul as long as i lived" - May-Lee Chai

More and more I am guided to write from the untapped burrows of my heart. The pain, the anger, the intensity. The depths I perceive and know of this life through my body. The fierce intensity of great emotion that I am so blessed to experience in this life. But where to even begin. I do write a lot of fragmented pieces of work. I write "fuck you" letters, i journal, i write my "morning pages". But it is now that I turn my focus to writing and my writing to focus that I come up against a challenge. How and what do i write about. What is my intention? Do i need to have a focussed idea for my work or do i just write?
For now i'll just write.
I'll convey my emotions through a writers lens. Onto the pages i'll pour my heart. I will write what comes.
"When we forget ourselves, when we let go of being good and settle into just being a writer, we begin to have the experience of writing itself writing through us. We retire as the self conscious author and become something else - the vehicle for self expression." -Julia Cameron.

I wrote these poems today. It's fall and cold outside...i'm cozy in my sacred writing nook.

Trusting-

finding inner stillness & the wisdom of the body

reflecting on life's path past

my heart is aching in my mind. my body can't feel it right now.

breathing in the realness of the present.

beginning again to see myself

all this work, this journey, the spaciousness is there again.

believing this is right for me right now. knowing of knowing as i feel the stillness

my body know.

trust this wisdom. dream big. let the river of my soul flow free

no dam will dampen this light. it pierces through the shadow, drys the tears of my heart and reveals no other than me. it is a beginning, another awakening.

for this i am grateful.

-Not Knowing-

it requires strength and depth

the empty cup to fill

magic happens at the heart of this

revealed is what wants to rip through

to open the gift of life

the same gift with different wrapping paper.

each paper is just as shiny even if it doesn't seem to sparkle.

life, death & the power of connection.

As the weeks have unfolded in September, the winds of change have blown into my world. The days are cooler and crisp; the nights are even colder. I reflect on some of my experiences these past months and i'm filled with gratitude. I experienced - and when i say experience, it is with the grand sense of the word - the heavy and the all encompassing life moments that give experience it's name.

I experienced the death of my grandmother. 

From her sickness, her hospital stay, the coming together of our family, her last night, and the morning I held her hand and watched her take her last breath. It was a remarkably powerful and impactful experience I will be not soon to forget.

My dear sweet Nan left her body on the morning of August 7th. And as i write that, it's almost hard to believe it's been two months past. I had taken the week before her death away from work. Intuitively I knew I must be with my family (particularity with my father) during this time...and our hospital visits and family togetherness were full of love, smiles, tears, joy and sadness. We were all there. The whole tribe. As we reached her final days we could all feel it. The last day I spent with her in laughter, I was with my cousin. The three of us messed around, told stories, rubbed an obscene amount of Nivea cream on our hands (as per Nan's request). My grandmother was a firecracker who went out with a bang - no one could ever refute this. She lived a fiercely incredible 87 years of life.

It's hard to put into words just how i felt in the moment of her last breath. I had been watching her breathing as a meditation for hours and hours that last night. I sang to her, I wrote and spoke to her and witnessed one of the most beautiful moments...my dad holding his mum's hand all through the night and into the morning...with no intention to let go. 

He and my step mother left that morning, as my uncle and auntie arrived. Something in me could not leave. There were so many reasons to go. I stayed. There was something keeping me there I can't explain. At 10am with my grandad's picture in her lap, Nan left her body. It was incredibly difficult to bare witness to my auntie lose her mother in that moment and I held her head as she cried in Nan's lap. This was a painfully beautiful moment. I knew I was there that night for my nan, telling her that it was okay to go, I was there for my auntie as nan died...and in the ripples of emotion that came as we observed her body laying cold and still I showed up in strength for my uncle. He and my father were the rocks for our family. I'd had quite a lot of time that week with my dad to be in this experience with him, but my uncle and I hadn't been in as close a communication. And as I would expect nothing less from my steady minded, courageous uncle, he was not flitted with emotion watching his "Muva" pass. In all his sadness he stood strong for my aunite, his dear partner of over 40 years.

Him and I left the room and I hugged him so tight he burst into tears. Tears I knew he had held in for strength. Tears I knew I was there that day to support. I didn't truly realize the power we hold for each other as humans until that moment. This experience lead me to write about my nan, about our family, about my deep appreciation for the journey, and for the bonds and connection we share in life & in death. I am so humbled with gratitude.

“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not a mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief and unspeakable love.” - Washington Irving.

California dream'n

I feel very inspired. Its been a hell of a year and we are about to return home after the end of an adventure...but the start of another.

Looking back to before Alex and I left for our first trip together and where we were in our lives....

So where was I then?
Thousands of dollars in debt from school and terrible spending habits I felt down and helpless. I felt like I couldn't leave the comfort of conventional living, full time job, debt payments, I had responsibilities.
But I drempt of travel. My visions were in adventure and living life to the fullest. I will never forget walking along the park path in downtown Oakville - looking at lake Ontario. Looking at my love and thinking how I didn't want to hold us back with this the debt I had incurred.
And that was it, my tipping point. From that point forward I promised myself I would save, hard, for 6 months and make our dreams of travel come true.
I saved and saved, worked four jobs and made it happen. Out of pure determination and fearless dreams - we left for Guatemala in December 2012.
I not only saved enough to travel, but to serve my debt and pay for my darling dog to be well taken care of.
And now...after adventure in Guatemala, living on the beach in El Salvador and building a home in San Diego, California...we are on the move again.
Its homeward bound for Christmas...to visit our friends and family, connect, tell stories, eat turkey, and save again.
2014 calls for another adventure...

These times of gratitude: purpose and the art of manifesting free printing & wine

Its been a wild ride these past few days. The whirlwind of quitting our jobs, giving up our car and having to inventory our refrigerator (meal forecasting) to ensure survival. This is where great stories are born, I continue to tell myself as I recall the events of the past few days.

Going back three days ago during at a catered event from a food truck. (Alex and I have been the directors of operation, providing our culinary and hospitality insights to a busy catering company with a food truck). Everything that could possibly go wrong, did.

I won't bore you with the details of the fryer boiling hot oil out of control, the no lights in the kitchen situation, a grill too hot it burned all of our buns, and the fact that we scalded our hands fishing the bones out of a steaming hot crab risotto that someone clearly dropped the ball on during prep.

So ya....I bored you with the details of one of the worst nights of my 13 years of serving experience. It was crazy. Oh, I also got hot oil flung up into my eye and had to run crying through the party guests into the bathroom.
It was an interesting night to say the least.
(On a side note - with all of those issues the guests had no idea, we were praised for our amazing food and service and each received $100 tip! Bam!)

Fortunately that was our tipping point. We had had enough of being completely underpaid for our expertise and efforts with the company, and that night, in a rather intense showdown in the company parking lot, we walked.
We LITERALLY walked home (as we drove a company car and it was immediately recalled).
Alex with no shirt, as our ex boss had forced it off his back, and me, with the biggest feeling of relief, we had turned in all of our hats of responsibility with the company and were now jobless.
I felt light, grounded and the happiest ever on that walk home.

I never thought being unemployed would feel so good, but it did.
Alex and I have truthfully, been manifesting this change for the last few months, working somewhat shorter hours and balancing our efforts with The Teacup Tour.
We had now created a great open opportunity for ourselves... And although rather broke and eating rice - we have been happier than ever.
The Teacup Tour - our project that has taken us two years to put together...and will take the next year to complete now has our full attention.
More about the teacup tour in the next post.

Now - back to the life of the happiest most unemployed couple!

The reason I wrote this post was to highlight a few things....

1. When the decision is right your body knows and you won't mind walking 10 miles home after a nine hour shift from hell.
2. Don't make crab risotto with bones
And
3. That the universe will provide for you if you know what you need and are open to receive.

A list of things that have happened to us in our 6 days of unemployment:
-we got invited to a free wine and cheese art event
-our yoga studio started giving out Halloween chocolates already!
-we got given three free boxes of cookies at Walmart because of a pricing error on their behalf
-our yoga community invited us to dinner
-i sold my first painting
-the local library opens after being under construction for 3 years

-our friends visit from Canada, take us out for dinner and we run into a #citypig being walked on a leash in the middle of downtown

And the finale...
-We went to print our resumes (gotta get a part time job at least...a girl's gotta eat!) with our last five dollar bill and the copier we chose had $1.69 of credit on it! Thank you FedEx!!

Our days have been filled with gratitude and as cliche as it sounds - we are richer than ever. (Though I really miss the late night car rides to buy our favourite $3 gourmet cookies!)

But our house is filled with love, library books and an even greater intention to live our purpose and make our dreams a reality.

Ashley xo

A love affair at thirty five thousand feet.

And so here I go; back in time. I gain 3 hours...but my body is too sleep deprived to comprehend.
It is approaching my 30th hour of travel as I sit awake in the 11th row, middle seat B, of Spirit Airlines flight 339 direct from Fort Lauderdale to Los Angeles.
An escape of sorts. Escape in the untraditional sense of the word...it was more of a strategic exit; our departure from El Salvador.
We left yesterday and now I am awake on this flight. Writing live from 35 000 feet.
I began to write after many attempts at sleep...each failed attempt left my mind spinning, my senses heightened as every bump of turbulence jolting my body and heart...ugh. Flying.

The end of three months in 2 third world nations. Adventuring in lands scarred by war, on unfinished roads as rickety chicken busses whip around corners faster than bats outta hell, armed guards with shot guns casually stroll about; a general degree of unsafe conditions...just typical daily occurrences that fuel great stories.

And now, here I am, high in the sky listening to the sweet familiar sounds of Matthew de Zoete albums to ease my mind. iPod's help drown out airplane noises. Ugh. Flying. My heart jumps again.

"...seriously Ash?" is all I can think to myself..."are you really that scared right now??"
"You just spent three months in rather unfavorable conditions and now you are freaking out!?"
"Really?"

Apparently this little global adventurer has a serious fear of flying!!

I love the airport. Customs lines. Baggage check. Waiting around. Watching people. Watching planes. Anticipation of the next destination. All that exciting stuff.
...but when I strap myself willingly into the seat, give myself up to the whim of the captain and copilot and we leave the comfort of solid ground...m*ther f*cker I have a hell of a hard time.

Breathe. Write. Listen to the music. Turn left...Alex is sleeping. Head turns right...sleepy random dude.
Breathe. Write. Write. Write.

And the serious expression on my face gradually softens as I write. I take deeper breaths with ease as my words flow onto the page.

Okay. "We're cool", as I talk myself out of my flying fear spiral.
Just write.
And with no prior intention, I find myself having the most wonderful time. Completely at ease as I share my words to the page.
"Ah, this is nice." As I settle in contentment.
And then in a moment of awakening I realize that writing = flight therapy.
"This is fabulous!" My eyes light up.
"Why is no one else awake?!" Thinking to myself as I scan the rows of sleeping passengers.
"Common guys, this is the best flight ever!!"

The thesis of this little midnight posting:

Flying = Scary.
Central America = not so Scary.
Doing what I love = not scary at all.

It was a nice moment when I found my mind and body in a meditative calm, an awakened vibrance.
A realization of one the greatest love affairs in my life:
Putting words to a page.
More than ever I know that this journey is not a vacation...but a step in the direction of the statement I make with my life.

And so I conclude...
Do just that. What you love.
The thing that lights you up and calms you down.
And with no compromise in your dreams;
Always let your "being" affect your "doing".

Beauty. Yoga. Adventure! Guatemala 2013; an April retreat to uplift & inspire

April 5th-14th 2013

Click here for retreat description:
www.villasumaya.com

Join us...the great Canadian Duo;
Amazingly Attuned Ashley & Ambitious Adventurer Alexander

Email us for pricing info and to sign up!
ashley.lord.yoga@gmail.com