Dubai.

It's morning says my body, and evening time in Dubai where I'm about to land.

13 hours up in the air. Heavy cabin fever brewing in this Airbus...but I did see a waterfall at the top of the grand staircase - so that makes it awesome.

In addition, there is legit cutlery, warm meals, a documentary film about the vintage wine found onboard this aircraft, grilled salmon/sauv blanc pairing followed by a scotch on the rocks to cap off the night. Not much rest, but lots of music.

I cried as the plane took off. It's been real. The heart knows what it needs and is leading the way. 

Sleep & yoga are necessary for the 7 hours in Dubai.

Eyes are tired, body feels the dips and slow decent of craft...20 minutes to parts unknown. 

I bet there will be a waterfall at the airport. 

Dubai airport - yup, big fat waterfall. I was joking around when I wrote the paragraph above, but seriously gorgeous water display with LED lights as soon as I walked in! Ha!

Toured the spa here and enjoyed some delicious lemon mint water. Glanced into the Emirates first class lounge with all its golden glamour. A failed attempt to sweet talk my way into the business class lounge lead me to cruise around for a great long walk. In both terminals A & B. 

Rocked a mini workout, stair climb & asana practice.

Showered at the airport facilities (a first). The YMCA showers in Edmonton when I train traveled across Canada was as close as I've come to an inter-travel shower situation.

Salad with salmon and a peppermint tea with a meal voucher. Solid layover. I also definitely ate all the chocolate in my backpack. It really feels like Vegas in the Dubai airport. See you soon India.

The way to India is a plane.

Tucked into a very cozy bed in Cabbagetown - Toronto, I've been hibernating for weeks. The polar vortex situation coincided with valentines day and a 14 hour shift with the work family, marking the end of the beginning.

Bistro days pause, the torrents of familiar city life fade and a colourful land awaits.

Answering a call from my heart I journey to India. Taking off. Setting Sail. Cruising out. Not overly anxious but rather I sit in ease knowing this is exactly what I need.
Ninja travel instincts on point. My head is up; eyes open.

There will be silence, palm trees, chanting, slow walking, heat, noise, chaos, people, coupled with minimal bed bugs (not happening again), stomach upset, mosquitos, mountains & mystery.

After at least 3-4 weeks in the south as the weather starts to warm in the Himalayas I will begin my accent to the north.

Consulting the guide book in my heart I plan to make no plans.

Travel...I have been incredibly grateful to experience it's many wonders for a significant part of my first 32 years...but still questions, my own and other's arise.

Is travel an escape? Am I running?

Do alluring lands divert to new realities and make it easy to forget about "life" for a while? Is freedom easier found in foreign lands with absence of the familiar?

No. I do not run. I know better. I go to broaden the mind; to dive in deep. Dive into the most important reality I seek to understand. The one within. And so it is to India I go. With no idea how I will come out on the other end. But a pretty good feeling I'll shift into an even brighter version of myself.
In this continuous adventure of growth, realizations, fuck ups, heartache, beauty, pain and wonder; good intentions abound.
This human experience, so very real, incredibly wonderful...a true blessing.

Honouring the battle scars that have brought me here I leave for India with a vow to myself:

to live in practice. to be strong. to simplify the mind. to gain everything. and give it away with love.

This post began with a title: The way to India is a plane...

I fly in style tonight on Emirates Airline. Beginning this journey with cozy seats, lots of leg room and a hell of a spread of delicious snacks.

Dear courageous Self & beautiful Intuition, be free my loves. Let us go.

Bon voyage and bon appetite.

-A

powerful beginnings.

Feeling the power of this new year ahead I reflect on the pieces of myself left behind. For the past few days I have made space to sit in stillness, to cry, to write, to honour a beautiful being.  This little lady endured much sadness and heartache, beauty and wonder; a collection of crazy memories of life's richness has brought me to now.  I am in awe of my life everyday. I have lived this past year with passion, strength, and absolutely no regret. Did the best I could with the tools that I had. There are most definitely pieces and people that at one time would have grasped with a hearty grip, now I support myself to release them to the universe with love and carry onwards on this journey. What's important will always land where it needs to be. Holy hell-fire it's been a wild ride.

The clock struck 12 and nestled in my cozy little nest I sat with two of my favourite people. Two ladies, sweet souls, I am so fortunate to call my best friends. Sitting on the floor in a circle we spoke about our dreams for the year ahead, our heartaches of the year past as we acknowledged the beautiful connection the three of us have, and our deep gratitude for each other. It was a very special evening with a few tears, a wood burning fire, a special bottle of delightful sparkling Pinot Noir and yes, of course there was a cheeseboard (we are at my house after all!)

Two thousand fifteen housed the death of my dear sweet Nan, while it also saw the split from a dear man who will always be my family. Proving to test my vitality, a recent move to new house marks new beginnings for me. My prayers have been answered and I find myself here, exactly where I am, where I need to be. I sit and write listening to the sounds of Half Moon Run, I am eating an orange. Typing this collection of words to the page, while I recall and reflect thinking to myself "who will actually read this?", well, probably no one :)

There are many incredible people that I am honoured to share this life with. They mean the world to me, and at some point i'll probably write about each one of these special humans individually. Today, I write about my father. My daddio, Jack. From whom, last night, I received the nicest and most meaningful letter I have ever had the pleasure of reading. It brought me to tears and I feel compelled to get it out of the abyss of the virtual gmail inbox and share it on my blog...apparently haha.

SOME WORDS FROM YOUR DADDY

My dearest Ashley,

Thank you so much for paying back the money I loaned you for your yoga course. I’m sure it feels good to have worked so hard, and to have paid off all your debt’s. It’s been a tough year for the family, and recently it’s been specially tough for you. My Mum, your Nan meant the World to all of us and I know that she loved you very deeply, and whenever I spoke with her would always ask how you were and what you were doing. I know she would have some words of wisdom to share with you now, knowing that you’re hurting so much inside. I know that when you think about her, pleasant memories will replace those feelings of sorrow and a smile will make your face shine. Take solace in the fact that she will always be with you, and you can draw on her strength to help you through whenever you need to. I’ve felt your pain and I know those emotions you are experiencing, it doesn’t make it any easier to bare, but take comfort in the fact that they will be replaced by hugs and smiles, warm moments and happiness.

You are my strength, you are my World you are my life’s greatest achievement. One thing I’ve learned in my life is that you never know where will take you.

Have a wonderful 2016 filled with smiles and laughter, love and good fortune

LoveDaddy

xoxoxoxoxxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Daddy...I am so grateful for you. 2015 has been one of the hardest, most beautiful years of my life. I leave behind much pain, grief, sorrow, heartache and I take with me the strength, compassion, love and gratitude that I have gained. I am truly lucky to live the life i do and I remind myself of it everyday. It is s a great honour to have the ability to feel and exist with a heart wide open to all of life's adventures...as challenging as they may be. The greatest challenges become the greatest teachings and I'm humbled every time another being asks me to share what I have learned. To help others find peace on their journey through this life is the sweetest thing.

So I go forth into this brand new year knowing that I will take care of myself and be my best me. I know Nan is proud and watches over us everyday. Losing her was one of the most powerful experiences of my life and it inspires me to live a life of love and happiness. You are right...you never know what tomorrow may bring...but i know that I'll always meet tomorrow with a genuine desire to be my best me...whatever that may look like.

Thank you for this message, it means more to me that you'll ever know. Our relationship is a treasure that has been discovered again and again. I can't wait for what tomorrow will bring.

I love you so much. Wishing you a new year of joy, health, happiness, love and that all of your hearts wishes come to life.

In love & lightness,

Ashley

I treasure these letters, I treasure my journey on this earth, I treasure myself and all beings. It is a crazy, wonderful, difficult, challenging, heartbreaking, insane, beautiful, wonderful, loving, remarkable life we lead as humans on this shared planet. We all are faced with the lessons our souls have called for, we must brave the unexpected and remain light in the process. It's not easy, but to gaze at the gift of waking up each day ready to face the world in whatever life may bring...that is an honour I am so deeply humbled to sit with.

To all that 2016 will bring for us all; I walk beside you,
Ashley.

a love poem.

- here we sit -

and one day the sun rises in the same way, but all is different.

the bed is empty and the fridge is full.

with a new four walls to contain the tears;

the little heart breaks again.

you are still right there.

but where will you land?

In this place that unfolded from pain

Here we sit.

with every reason to pick up the pieces

these broken wings do not want to fly.

is the toolbox empty or does it need dusting?

a broken heart sits in stillness.

be calm little heart.

breathe in the white space that surrounds you.

sit there. it is okay to be there.

rest your wings, but only for now.

-A.Lord.

it's autumn poetry time.

And in the fall there are cozy candlelit rooms, autumn breezes, I wear blankets and write. A sweet friend inspired this, I am grateful for this secret collaboration...

-Birds in the wind-

let us fly through this vast sea, breathing in the ocean and watch the water's sparkle ignite the waves. the magic happens in the mix of the elements, the heart dreams and the dreamer sees the space it can be trusted to. for it will reveal only truths that spin and flicker, known only to the body, where the waves have settled and reflections find themselves again. 

for it is the vastness of the sea that revels in its sparkle. white space turned dark in the hallows of the deep blue depths. questioning the folly of this act abounds the mind.

astounds. the profound wonder of the heart.

but playful beginnings bring truth. Knowledge of self. Peace.

for is this not all what we seek?

and this wonder knows peace above and below water. the sinking is as real as this movement upwards that refracts outwards towards the birds. swept up and away they glide and glisten as their shimmering feathers coo in the wind. and there is silence. and in that silence, everything all at once. the bevels of sound and magic and wonder. it is silent and sound. it is peaceful and treacherous. it is alive and deeply rooted in the earth below. the bird still soars and knows it's dream is real.

write the controversial. speak from the heart. just write.

Reading my book today " A year of writing dangerously" the author speaks about her experience of writing the controversial. Writing what she normally wouldn't for the sake of the art. She mentions the following quote, which deeply resonates with me.

"And so I began to write about the things I thought I would never tell another soul as long as i lived" - May-Lee Chai

More and more I am guided to write from the untapped burrows of my heart. The pain, the anger, the intensity. The depths I perceive and know of this life through my body. The fierce intensity of great emotion that I am so blessed to experience in this life. But where to even begin. I do write a lot of fragmented pieces of work. I write "fuck you" letters, i journal, i write my "morning pages". But it is now that I turn my focus to writing and my writing to focus that I come up against a challenge. How and what do i write about. What is my intention? Do i need to have a focussed idea for my work or do i just write?
For now i'll just write.
I'll convey my emotions through a writers lens. Onto the pages i'll pour my heart. I will write what comes.
"When we forget ourselves, when we let go of being good and settle into just being a writer, we begin to have the experience of writing itself writing through us. We retire as the self conscious author and become something else - the vehicle for self expression." -Julia Cameron.

I wrote these poems today. It's fall and cold outside...i'm cozy in my sacred writing nook.

Trusting-

finding inner stillness & the wisdom of the body

reflecting on life's path past

my heart is aching in my mind. my body can't feel it right now.

breathing in the realness of the present.

beginning again to see myself

all this work, this journey, the spaciousness is there again.

believing this is right for me right now. knowing of knowing as i feel the stillness

my body know.

trust this wisdom. dream big. let the river of my soul flow free

no dam will dampen this light. it pierces through the shadow, drys the tears of my heart and reveals no other than me. it is a beginning, another awakening.

for this i am grateful.

-Not Knowing-

it requires strength and depth

the empty cup to fill

magic happens at the heart of this

revealed is what wants to rip through

to open the gift of life

the same gift with different wrapping paper.

each paper is just as shiny even if it doesn't seem to sparkle.

life, death & the power of connection.

As the weeks have unfolded in September, the winds of change have blown into my world. The days are cooler and crisp; the nights are even colder. I reflect on some of my experiences these past months and i'm filled with gratitude. I experienced - and when i say experience, it is with the grand sense of the word - the heavy and the all encompassing life moments that give experience it's name.

I experienced the death of my grandmother. 

From her sickness, her hospital stay, the coming together of our family, her last night, and the morning I held her hand and watched her take her last breath. It was a remarkably powerful and impactful experience I will be not soon to forget.

My dear sweet Nan left her body on the morning of August 7th. And as i write that, it's almost hard to believe it's been two months past. I had taken the week before her death away from work. Intuitively I knew I must be with my family (particularity with my father) during this time...and our hospital visits and family togetherness were full of love, smiles, tears, joy and sadness. We were all there. The whole tribe. As we reached her final days we could all feel it. The last day I spent with her in laughter, I was with my cousin. The three of us messed around, told stories, rubbed an obscene amount of Nivea cream on our hands (as per Nan's request). My grandmother was a firecracker who went out with a bang - no one could ever refute this. She lived a fiercely incredible 87 years of life.

It's hard to put into words just how i felt in the moment of her last breath. I had been watching her breathing as a meditation for hours and hours that last night. I sang to her, I wrote and spoke to her and witnessed one of the most beautiful moments...my dad holding his mum's hand all through the night and into the morning...with no intention to let go. 

He and my step mother left that morning, as my uncle and auntie arrived. Something in me could not leave. There were so many reasons to go. I stayed. There was something keeping me there I can't explain. At 10am with my grandad's picture in her lap, Nan left her body. It was incredibly difficult to bare witness to my auntie lose her mother in that moment and I held her head as she cried in Nan's lap. This was a painfully beautiful moment. I knew I was there that night for my nan, telling her that it was okay to go, I was there for my auntie as nan died...and in the ripples of emotion that came as we observed her body laying cold and still I showed up in strength for my uncle. He and my father were the rocks for our family. I'd had quite a lot of time that week with my dad to be in this experience with him, but my uncle and I hadn't been in as close a communication. And as I would expect nothing less from my steady minded, courageous uncle, he was not flitted with emotion watching his "Muva" pass. In all his sadness he stood strong for my aunite, his dear partner of over 40 years.

Him and I left the room and I hugged him so tight he burst into tears. Tears I knew he had held in for strength. Tears I knew I was there that day to support. I didn't truly realize the power we hold for each other as humans until that moment. This experience lead me to write about my nan, about our family, about my deep appreciation for the journey, and for the bonds and connection we share in life & in death. I am so humbled with gratitude.

“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not a mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief and unspeakable love.” - Washington Irving.

California dream'n

I feel very inspired. Its been a hell of a year and we are about to return home after the end of an adventure...but the start of another.

Looking back to before Alex and I left for our first trip together and where we were in our lives....

So where was I then?
Thousands of dollars in debt from school and terrible spending habits I felt down and helpless. I felt like I couldn't leave the comfort of conventional living, full time job, debt payments, I had responsibilities.
But I drempt of travel. My visions were in adventure and living life to the fullest. I will never forget walking along the park path in downtown Oakville - looking at lake Ontario. Looking at my love and thinking how I didn't want to hold us back with this the debt I had incurred.
And that was it, my tipping point. From that point forward I promised myself I would save, hard, for 6 months and make our dreams of travel come true.
I saved and saved, worked four jobs and made it happen. Out of pure determination and fearless dreams - we left for Guatemala in December 2012.
I not only saved enough to travel, but to serve my debt and pay for my darling dog to be well taken care of.
And now...after adventure in Guatemala, living on the beach in El Salvador and building a home in San Diego, California...we are on the move again.
Its homeward bound for Christmas...to visit our friends and family, connect, tell stories, eat turkey, and save again.
2014 calls for another adventure...