no fishtank, no problem! A story about a dental office.

"babe, you should find a new dentist"

"I know, i really have been meaning to"

"the longer you leave it, the plaque could really build up and when it does and the gums recede, they don't grow back!
(I love that he cares about my gums)

"Okay - i'm going today!

*kiss him on the cheek.

So, I am on the hunt for a new dentist (mine, unfortunately died last year) plus that office is located in the town I grew up in and that's just way out of my current jurisdiction.

Off I went this afternoon. There must be at least 7 dental offices within a 4 km stretch in my neighbourhood - people are seriously all about the teeth here.

Okay, and so my story really begins here. (I could, offer a detailed hospitality and decor review for all of these joints, I saw A LOT of stuff, but I'll spare you, this time.)

After leaving 4 different dental offices and having sub par experiences within all of them I was almost discouraged as I casually started the walk home. I had almost decided on just saying screw it and calling my boyfriends dental office all the way over in the west end just to feel like i'd accomplished something. Until I stumbled upon a house. A small, rather worn looking house that hugged the park. “Accepting new patients” said the sign (although, rather confusing as the sign looked slightly more like a hair dressers welcome, then a dentist. I entered anyway)

I opened a smallish black door where I was greeted by Alex, the 20 year veteran receptionist. She was all smiles. Great energy. A happy, blonde, 60 something in purple scrubs. The office was kinda shabby, but homey with a few quaint pieces of art on the wall. It housed a ghetto blaster (obviously, I thought) with the CBC talk radio station going on about listeners and their opinions on the new Canadian anthem lyric change. Hmmm. Good to know. I was not aware of this change (I thought again).

Alex, the Capricorn (as she'd alerted me), and I exchanged a few laughs as she cursed at her new computer system (she’s 6 days in and has had no training she's shared with me) and about her frustration with the pens that didn’t write properly on their business cards. She asked me my birthday, I replied with the date and almost immediately was met with “Aw, a Taurus, like my daughter”. (I'm totally loving this experience already, I think to myself)

We chatted for quite some time, teeth cleaning prices, the weather, more about the computer system and a little mention of the anthem change. I’d already decided this was my new dental home. She found the next available appointment slot and it was mine! I asked if I could write  my information on a piece of paper (a solid 15 minutes since my arrival, and I did need to get going), we never did get the system working. "Look forward to seeing you again Alex!" "You too.....Ashley..." *pause, with a pleasant chuckle afterwards. (not really sure what that was about, but i'll take it!) 

It was settled. This would be my new dentist office. Dr. M....something or other. Long name as per the 4 or so degrees and certificates I saw hanging on the wall behind her desk. (One of them reading, Dental Surgeon Certification, to which I thought, "okay he seems legit") *side note, I once visited a dentist office for a cleaning when I was living in El Salvador (the medical tourism was booming at the time), but that office totally had an armed guard outside the barred up and densely secure facility. 

So I figure I'm alright here in Canada.

I continued my stroll home. Along the park I went, smiling, reflecting contently on the exchange I’d just been a part of and coming to a few realizations.

I don’t need the fancy dentist office. Let me tell you, the first one was nice. I even used their bathroom and scoped out the whole place. (I also totally mucked up their obnoxiously white polished lobby floors with my winter boots. "Ugh, hi, Canada called - your office lives here and the salt, ya that shit is gonna stain.") 

Anyway, what was I saying.

Right. I don't need the fancy dentist office.

The ones with the standard, homesensey looking art and crappy fixtures that look good now, but you know will be shit in 3 years and won’t have aged well at all. (although, the fishtanks were nice)

Really, or realistically some would argue, I could have easily called all of these offices to find out their prices, but I kept wanting to envision myself at the dentist and I couldn't picture it. I couldn't feel it! So, in classic Ashley fashion, I spent an entire afternoon walking into all of them to check them out. I took my time. I stopped for tea.

Thank you Alex, at the dental office by the park (which I totally forget the name of but will remember exactly where you are located.)

Thank you for being awesome. You made my day.

And I really look forward to seeing you this Tuesday at 10am to meet my dentist. He’s a Virgo.

Sober Times

Ahhh! It’s true. I’m in my 9th month of sobriety. What!! Lol

If you’ve known me for sometime, you might know that I’ve: A. travelled a lot, B. worked in bars and restaurants a lot, C. thrown A LOT of parties (I’m certain that my epic AshBash’s will not be a thing of the past....they may just perhaps take new shape as the new me comes to life), and D. happily experimented and enjoyed copious amounts of booze and mind altering substances. (Some experiences so wonderfully expansive, beautiful and healing, others, wretched heavy, in darkness.)

E. I have been a curious student and advocate of healthy living for a long time.

Now, partly in my defence and partly not - we all gotta experience things when we are growing up, test our limits, set no boundaries. Do all the things. And I’ve been blessed with a very colourful, beautiful collection of such things. In that we must equally be truthful with ourselves when things aren't quite right.

There did come a time for me, a time to really say enough is enough. That time, was my 34th birthday, last year in April (for alcohol)  because let's face it I had still been dancing with the Mary Jane, on occasion, until September of the same year.

But It did actually hit me like a ton of bricks, one evening, after taking too much of a THC edible - and having simultaneously, a half freak out, half enlightening experience...

“I’m actually kinda fucked” (haha a joke for all of you familiar with Russell Brand). 

Now, I wasn’t completely shitting away my life - but I felt stuck. My life looked a little something like this...

The social butterfly in me had been flowing along; I was overworking myself in a restaurant, serving all the people, going out after work to talk with more people and drink all the drinks to debrief with people about how terrible all the people are that I’d been serving. As fun as it was, and it was for a long time, it was starting to take a heavy toll on my happiness and vibrancy. Not to mention, my body. I taught yoga classes, made mediocre efforts to grow my business and studied furiously everything health and wellness related. I was still practicing yoga and telling myself it was enough, but I had stopped going to the gym and really exercising. I knew in my gut, and from an extensive mind body education that my nervous system wasn't completely handling life. I had been through some heavy traumas that I never told anyone about. I was cruising along, coping, half vibrant, half miserable.

I'd been drowning. Too proud, stubborn, and I guess trying to do what I thought was working for me. Except it wasn't. I just simply wasn’t that happy, vibrant self I once knew...AND to make matters worse, it felt like I was holding on by some very questionable threads. Overwhelming emotion, shit relationships, nagging physical pain and the like. 

I'd heard the voice before, but most importantly on that night in September with this little tickle in my heart (and with all the green plant medicine within me pulsing like hell) came the words - “STOP, something has gotta change.” And from that moment it really has. I was also to become an Auntie for the first time two days later and that really shifted my life perspective in a huge way. I became completely sober from that point on. I've also recently giving up sugar (which is really it's own little version of the cocaine from hell), but that's a story for another day.

I gave up drugs and alcohol in an effort to purify my body. To become more kind. Less angry. To get really clear. To find balance. To live in one consciousness. To wake up to myself. To start to actually feel the pain from traumas I unknowingly tried not to deal with for long time. (Being sober - this pain from my past, well it is a hell of force to be reckoned with and i'm like  - "woah, down girl - But equally, please bring that shit on, get up and out of me, thank you" - You Somatic folks know what I'm saying)  And most importantly to really support my health and wellness in the best way I know how. In balance and harmony. And in a more beautiful connection with the universe. 

Over the past nine months I have been rebuilding trust and vitality. I have been working with a collection of sound and somatic healers. I have had a daily practice (this didn't waver too much, as I've had a meditation practise for many many years, but It has shifted), I have been supporting my unique journey (we all got our shit!). I have been leaning into what's uncomfortable and showering it with Love.

Quite frankly, this is the best decision I have EVER made.

Fast forward to now, I am working full time doing what I love, feeling happier and more me each day. When I told myself last April that I would live one year sober I didn’t think I’d be hearing myself (nearing the end of that year) say that I want to keep going!

I’m not saying I’ll never drink a glass of buttery Chardonnay or enjoy a scotch on the rocks again. But, after that one year mark has passed and an opportunity comes to light - I know i'll be able to support myself in the right decision with a clear head and open heart.

Don’t force it - FEEL IT.

(“May I try a pink one?!” - okay this quote is really only for my sister)

As Russell Brand brings to light in his book "Recovery" - we are all on scale of addiction in one way or another.

Where are you?

#lifegoals #sobriety #awake #happiness #doingwhatfeelsrightrightnow 

#supportingmyvibrancy #skeletonsoutofthecloset #heavilystillappreciateagreatscotch

#feelingit #wakingthetiger  #somaticexperiencing #nohangovers  #clarity #recovery 

Music, Yoga & the Power of Sound

Music has the ability to transform. To inspire, awaken, soothe and captivate our humanly senses, to shift and bend perception, to bring us home to ourselves. Heavenly melodies inspire my heart, lyrics speak to my depths, the very essence of frequency helps shift energy; it awakens me.

To rest in the presence of sound is truly powerful. Music allows me to get out of my own way to experience true sweetness. It is my dearest love, greatest pleasure, and deepest healer. It is my teacher, my passion and my truest confidant.

For longer than I can remember I have found some of the purest moments of joy in the surrender of sound. When I let noise flow from my body as an offering in song or tone or as I listen with intention to the notes of others, the space between melody and rhythm, it is all here, this gift. Straight from the dazzling heart centre, made of a million pieces of universal beauty, lies the safe little offering of sound. Commanding my fullest presence I am able to witness my true nature, in this quiet place, where the music is.

This little song bird has been grateful to swim in the sea of sound. Whether I am singing or being bathed in sound, I have felt the power of all that she is. A full energetic immersion in the world of frequency, and the playful movement that has left lasting impressions. I have a decadent memory. I can recall events and tell colourful stories of adventure. But nothing in my memory is sharper than the needle that recorded the history of my musical awakening over the years.

Now, as a yoga teacher, a holder of space, a sharer of things…..I am able to let my inner songbird soar. In a 60 special minutes I spend with other voyagers of the earth, I guide yoga experiences, where students entrust me with their bodies, minds and hearts. It is you with whom I get the pleasure of serenading with sound, with whom I share my passions of music and nourishment as I offer you my voice and often make you uncomfortable finding yours :)

For those of us who dig a little deeper, we are afforded the pain and pleasure to get lost in the experience of ourselves, and guided by the hums of vibration, perhaps, dance ourselves to parts unknown. Whether it is through the practice of making sound with breath, chanting, or listening to the external soundtrack played, it is here, where the opportunity to surrender to sound exists. Music allows us to evoke emotion to heal pain and unlock pieces of ourselves as we come to life in the discovery of our own instruments of sound.

May you be free to dive deeply into the layers sound healing that move you toward greater balance. May you meet delight in your human experience, may you be open to trust in your inner wisdom and always revel in the harmony of your beating heart.

May we thank music for helping us all awaken to our sweetness, if only for a track, if only for a moment, may it move you.

Blessings,

Ashley

The Striking Rains of Spring...

It's been raining for a few days. New beginnings boasts spring charm, its fervent nature magnified. I have been sleeping for many hours. With this new season I leave behind so much of the past, of myself and start anew. It's funny, new beginnings, that is...exciting in the simplest of ways...bloody terrifying in another. What do I do when I shed layers, close the doors of past relationships, projects, jobs all abandoned in a dance my heart plays with the universe.
I sit an do nothing. Well....for now.
Humbled is my heart at the notion of the quiet warrior. This new place of surrender, there is so much I want to do and accomplish, directions to move towards. The jedi must quiet the mind. Reduce the chatter. Sit on the porch in the rain and practise stillness. It is only with the stillness that comes the ability to strike. To impact. To let the force flow and live in the becoming. The forever changing rains, these seasons coddle our variant nature and we bloom colourfully as guardians of this universe. Furiously untangling the thorns protecting this warriors wild heart. 

It sounds so good in make believe

Oh darling, say you'll come away with me again
To places where we'll meet in dreams but when
Oh but darling you are lost at sea
heavens to wait patiently for me
Oh darling sail away with me someday
Let's meet and see our faces play
In sights but sounds our ears may brood
For it's the first sight love captured
beyond this new lights mood
Your unknown tidal wave it sees
As I play dress up and make you believe

Write of make believe as a place

Oh darling say you'll marry me
And we can dream like lovers sing
Into a world of make believe
Oh lover sail and swing

The leaves of fall are dynamite
when Ravens fly and dance delights
The cool it helps to warm the night
Bt days are grey and often slight....ly
Raining.

He lights a smoke and drags his heels
The man who walked along
Concealing Stories
Trolly's cruise at will
Oh my love come hear me still
Arrive by the rivers edge and places by
This rivers song delicately waiting
tightly tucked in the stations corner
and the loftiest of ceilings
making space for light to fill.

Song Bird

A quiet heart
Where birds sing
Where smiles bloom
Unique Expression
Universal Dance
Born to exist
In inspiration
Golden reflection
For all to awaken
Be here.

when the essence of essential sleep essentially wakes the writers heart

When the rain comes
Let it flow.
Do not dwell upon the drops
For no dreams unheard the thunder
Roar.
Their round essence glow like the face to the sun
Warmed and dressed up
Like the thought of you
and Your dancing dreams.

The inspiration of mind waves
Gleam and poke
Speak truth again as the fade of the night
turns the hum of the day
Into visions of times difference
When our heads rest at mindful hours
Parted
and Straight to the heart.

A.Lord

A quiet 4:30am under the covers. The changing seasonal winds blow. Speaking of covers. I'm safe and warm. I am writing. I wonder what kind of pillow your head rests upon in the west.

I want to hear about your dreams. About the whispers of the heart that dance and turn. Yes, write them down, let them out. Sometimes the booze and weed get us out of our own way, a release perhaps not capable otherwise in this moment. Your words are beautiful. I like hearing your mind expand.

I thought of you tonight. On the walk home. How lovely it was to speak to you. How you make my heart smile. The essence of you.

It is most definitely late and you are most definitely passed out. I write anyway. I was sleeping just before this and was awoken by the voice "look at your phone". I listened. I am glad i did.

Here you are.

Dream in colour. The rich tapestry of vision lingers but for a moment, to be captured and woven together with new light.

Cheers mate. You're lovely. (British accent)

not a love letter

This may or may not be a love letter.
Sober, or less than, when someone tells you they kinda love you, not so easy to brush off. At least for me. With you.
For the record I was not angry. Upon further reflection...I was in fact frustrated at the very essence of being shaken and stirred. By no means angry. I wanted to tell you that. So you know.

I have thought similarly of you. This man, who admires me from a distance. Of whom fond thoughts have existed. Slightly removed, yet seemingly close, here we are, connected. Arguably.
So i write to you, for no other reason than i was compelled to do so.

And I shall write...and say hello. Send the tea. Proceed to carry onwards in my vision. I am building a dream.

For the people, the poets, I wish for us to seek and succumb to the deepest parts of the heart. To never settle. To know the pictures we paint are dreams worth craving. To trust we will live ourselves into the beautiful little imaginary world, suspended, if only for a moment, in it's hideaway. To be found. As life unfolds and we become. And as spoken poetically by a great, in a place where we dare to dream, where we dare to "live the questions now, to live everything".

One day, when our worlds collide in the realest of realness I shall meet this fascinating human. Until then I shall write. I shall dance into the future, of this beautiful life, with a happiness that burns. Showers blessings upon us. I shall wonder of you. From afar. Once removed from often. As you exist in the safe keeping of this heart, ringing fierce frequencies not intended for the moment. On a tilted horizon, where both sides of the sun set, and I may love you reasonably, removed of reason.

Be well. Write on. Drink tea.