window to the soul...

- Bellows Blow -

The story was as so.

at twenty something a

delicate inquiry of intrigue

unknown.

astounded at the bend in the river

she dove

in deep visions

sun's gleam stilled ripples

oh carry her until she's woke.

it was all unknown, until it was so.

dreamers dream at thoughts

below rip tides bellows blow.

frosted waters the mistress skated

across dark veils of silk rainbows

emerging into gold

and it was so. 

and it was so.

and she broke to know things unknown.

from the depths the love will glow.

uncovering wishes like windows to the soul

weighed in feathers dipped in memories

of which life's mystery kindly bestowed.

why do bellows blow?

for flames ignite sparks as

come the rain's un-taming

this love

lays awake and must forgo.

A.Lord

art in the 6.

Post India passion has lead me to unveil poetry I have written in the past ten years as part of an art show of emerging artists in Toronto last week. It was an incredible night shared with beautiful people. So much on the horizon...

Mother India, my teacher.

Mother India you have been my teacher for almost 9 weeks.

This body has learned practice, presence, patience, humility with kindness & a soft heart.

I have have been afforded the opportunity to sit with negative thoughts, really sit with them. Watched the power of their presence and allow them to shift, to pass with time.

I have learned that time is a healing gift, that attachment breeds discontent, that I truly am strong and have a huge ability to connect with others.

I have learned that I want to dedicate my life to making others happy, easing burden and bringing joy into the lives of as many as I can.

I have learned that I am happy on my own.

I have learned how important my family is to me.

I have learned how to forgive those who have caused me pain, but more importantly myself when I was unaware of the deep hurt I was causing myself.

I have learned that I will aim to do more, be disciplined and think less. Serve by example.

I have learned about the importance of diplomacy.

Mother India, I have learned that I am excited to come back next year but how much I yearn for a break from your demands. I have learned I'd rather be a bit cold and put on a sweater instead of sweat my ass off, only to have a shower and still be sweating.

I have learned to be kind to myself with food. I have learned to appreciate white bread again.

I have learned my former psychology was not serving me. I have learned what it looks like to have a very good look at these realizations. I have learned practise. I have practiced. I have learned discipline. I practise discipline. I have learned lightness. I am light.

I have learned how important it is to manage my energy and make sure to direct enough of it inwardly to nourish and keep my heart in good repair. I have learned moderation is beautiful. I have learned to enjoy "little little", to practise "little little", and to take each day "little little" at a time.

This trip has been a gift. It has changed me. I have shifted. So it is back to Canada I walk with a firmer step. One foot at a time...with cut, blistered, broken feet that can best be described as "all fucked up".

I sat. I walked. I ate. I observed. I ran. I got angry. I cried. I fell. I puked. I drank. I swam. I sang. I danced. I laughed. I prayed. I learned.

It's fascinating, it's overwhelming. It's broken me down. It challenged me in unbelievable ways. I was very sad, angry, and slightly bruised when I arrived. My heart was called to this incredible country yearning for balance, for change and for a chance at a fresh perspective. 

India supported me when I needed to break apart even more so that I could pick up the pieces and put myself back together with stronger bonds of love.

I have learned that loneliness and solitude are completely different.

Traveling alone, waking up in a new place completely unfamiliar to me. The scary excitement. The thrill. These feelings that push me to come alive in new ways. I am blessed to have had this experience. I am so incredibly grateful.

Right before India, I cancelled a trip to Peru, didn't make it to see friends in California, I left my job and locked the door to my house. I booked a flight and did not look back.

India, you were the only thing that made sense. It was the only way.

I have learned that cows and horses are free to roam the streets here.

I have learned there are more tea stalls than Starbucks, more people than tea stalls and a scary amount of garbage that collects on even the cleanest of city streets. 

I have learned to see beauty in the darkness, navigate crowded city streets with grace and appreciate the most frustrating days with horns honking, squished car rides and uncomfortable bouncing buses.

Life is so different in the east. Life is intense. People are loud and aggressive bread from survival. People here are so unbelievably generous. 

I'm in aw of everyone with kind eyes, a gummy sweet smile with sometimes rotting teeth. Kindness radiates in this crazy country.

For in the midst of dirt, heat, adversity and chaos they "keep smile". This sentiment resonates, soothes and uplifts even the most dampened spirits.

It's hot and dirty, dusty and magical. Life is not easy here, and yet things are simple. People are not obsessed with the unnecessary. Perhaps out of necessity. They care for family, do their part and perform everyday rituals that keep their lives rooted in something bigger than the self.

I have learned we are here to serve each other. We are here to be happy. We are here to share our unique gifts with each other. To smile at one another. To support. To help ease burden, pain, sadness and sorrow of our fellow humans. We are here be the best versions of ourselves. To connect with others. To protect our earth. To enjoy our lives.

We all share this earth. We belong to each other. 

This journey is the beginning of a new chapter in life...I couldn't be more ready. Thank you India. I bring home with me a smile. I am humbled, honoured, and pretty much always hungry - because I'm pretty sure I also brought home a stomach parasite :)

Tis' only the beginning.

A 

the Indian post office experience...part two: fed ex.

a low moment in the Darj.

Ugh. why is it such a mission to send post in this country. So after my stressful 5 hour post office experience in Trevandrum I vowed i was not going to send post again from India.

Well.....i've just completed a relatively quicker, more stressful and most definitely more expensive fed ex experience in Darjeeling.

I am exhausted, hungry, shaky. I'm not sure why shipping is such an intense experience, but it requires every ounce of my being to keep collected while enduring this process.

Maybe it's the manhandling of my carefully selected and packed items. Zero mindfulness. And don't even get me started about the excessive amount of packing tape used in what can only be called a "packaging performance" haha.

I've just returned to the town after a trek through the gorgeous Himalayas and I think my nervous system is just doing a little adjustment. Not to mention I am definitely PMSing to ad insult to injury. 

A little peanut butter and toast, some Bedouin Soundclash on the iphone....a sit down at good old Glenary's and i'll be back in action shortly.

#india.

Ashley & the Indian Post Office Experience...part one.

Post office arrival about 11am.

Wait in line to get good packed up (mandatory for customs inspection)

Get to front of line. No boxes that will fit all my stuff. (no boxes at all really!)

12:15pm am directed to go across the street to the paint place and they will give me a box.

12:25pm back in line (the box retrieval was unspeakably quick.) 

12:30 sweet indian man starts packing up my box

1:30 after a few "back in 5 minutes" sweet indian man completes package (using way more tape, string and exacto knife maneuvers than necessary...but perhaps it's necessary for the one month transit period of said box)

1:40ish sweet indian box packer friend directs me over to a window and points to a sign signalling me to write certain words on the custom papers i have previously filled out. I need another form. Apparently he couldn't have told me this an hour ago.

1:50 Waiting at window for attendant to help.

2pm still waiting. My package is now brought over to where I am waiting.

2:10 Things are looking good and a new man sits down to enter all the information into their computer system. Bad news, it's going to cost 5800 rupees which i don't have in cash.

2:20 Phoebes guards the package and I run to the bank

2:27 back from the bank. New information entering man has vanished.

2:30 i causally joke that he probably went to lunch. This is exactly what he has done.

2:45 move to next counter and wait for new lady to start the process over.

2:55 get swarmed by people in line behind me pushing their hands through the window which i'm clearly standing in front of

3pm try to take up more space and fend off the inpatient customers behind me.

3:20 - can't believe that it's over. 

3:21 - thinking to myself that after all that i might never see that package again. 

kickin' it in Darj.

Arriving in Darjeeling India about a week ago, did I know then how this incredibly magical place would lift my spirits as it has? I'd like to think yes, but nothing prepares one for what it is like to hike in the himalayas for the first time.

I came here to trek. To walk in the hills like people have for centuries and centuries. To be deep in nature, both the external and my inner world. 

Following my senses as per this adventure I settled in Darj town for a few days, explored, met some locals, had delicious meals, got incredibly sick; all the while keeping my ears open for a crew of trekking mates I could team up with. After laying in bed the entire day recovering from a heavy dose of food poisoning I ventured out for about an hour, to get some fresh air and check my email from a quaint little cafe called Glenary's.

Overhearing a guy two tables away speak to some locals about "trek" and "five days" my senses were alerted. Yup, i needed to talk to this dashing looking man. As he was leaving I had also just packed up my belongings and we met as we were both walking out. "Hi i'm sorry to bother you, but I heard you talking about trekking and I just wanted to ask you about it"

"I'm Will" he says to me with a smile.

And the rest is history. We walked to meet his friends (funnily enough at the same trekking agency that I'd been inquiring at) and I loved them immediately. Three dudes from the states...we were all about the same age, and all equally as excited for the days ahead. 

I actually didn't commit right away...it took me a little contemplation time (the idea of leaving in the morning and packing up all my stuff that night after not sleeping at all the night before wasn't exactly sitting well with me....) but it just felt right and I knew this was it.

We left things as "maybe i'll see you in the morning or maybe I won't".

I found out later they had given me about a 30% chance of committing. Ha! 

Well I ran into them at the bank about half an hour later and proved them all wrong.

So I packed up, got a good night's sleep, and met the team the next morning. 

Will, Gabe, Sandeep, Ram (our guide) and I were off to the mountains.

sitting in discomfort.

Sitting with the many discomforts of my own mind has been a blessing and more importantly, a huge challenge. Scooping myself up and getting on a plane to India was pivotal in my life, in my evolution. There have been so many moments of discomfort while travelling. Going through the waves of panchkarma treatment, being hot, vulnerable and alone in Kolkata, getting extremely sick in Darjeeling - these instances when I reflect on them, were only glimpses of the journey. At the time, they of course carried a heavier burden, but for me, they have all been incredible gifts. Laying here alone in my bed in the mountains of India I think back to the nature of my mind Before I left on this trip. It's tendencies, the balance it sought.

I'm here now. I've come face to face with these intense difficulties to push me. To break me right down, collect myself and raise myself above where i sat before.

Reflecting on the challenge of being alone and uncomfortable, the first place my mind goes to is the thought of going home. Of course being in a familiar safe place is bound to ease the wave for a moment or for a few days. But then I'd be right back where I was. Sitting with myself, really just here with no where to go, no delicious snacks to eat, no Facebook or YouTube to distract me, but just right here. What does my mind do? First I calm my body, I do a little meditation to increase my vibration. To lift me from the darkness of despair and out of uncomfortable places. And then I contemplate the thoughts, lightly without judgement. I notice my tendencies to want to distract myself. I also notice parts of my mind jump to immediately wanting to tell someone, announce my discomfort...do I believe this will make it more real? I don't know. But what I do know is I have learned to take space from my own nature. From the discomfort. Create space between the thought and the impulse action of the lower mind. I've read about these concepts for years, seen them in practice in mere glimpses of my life. What India has taught me is to be in my practice. That each moment is precious and deserves/demands love attention and respect from the higher Self. This will be a constant challenge. I will still sometimes wish I took more space and time, showed myself more love. But in these moments when I can meet myself with the softness I deserve, to know that I'm still human, and well, it's okay not to be okay. That's the practice. I hold myself with love tonight and carry ease in my heart. 

Namaste & Bon soir.

Ashley 

Solo Travel; thoughts from the train.

I try to fly under the radar the best I can when I travel. Sporting a relatively ugly hat, local dress, no makeup and sunglasses, none the less there is still no mistaking my white skin. The look of a woman who is like a fish out of water but also equally at home in her element of travel and adventure.

When I travel I love to get to the heart of the community. Imagine what it would be like to live there, act less like a tourist and (when appropriate) aim to integrate into the rhythms of daily life, feel the flow and contribute positively to people's lives and way of life.

The past five weeks in India have been incredibly amazing, they have been equally as challenging. I have pushed myself and been pushed far beyond the boundaries of comfort. I have faced my mind head on, my self imposed fears and mind's nature. I have also been grateful to recognize when very real circumstantial fear has forced me to step up to the plate and pushed me to expand.

Traveling alone is hard. It is unfamiliar and familiar. It is extreme highs and heavy lows. It's hot, dirty, wonderful and humbling. I feel very fortunate to be on this journey and I am thankful for the love and support that surrounds me; near and far

April 7th 12:15am

Indian princess down.

Travelling alone is incredibly rewarding. But when you get sick it's a huge test of will. I was awoken in the night; tummy churning, head pounding, and I just threw up (in my ghetto little Indian toilet).

All signs point to "Delhi belly". Damn you vegetarian noodle soup.

I have been lucky and wonderfully healthy for over 6 weeks. No issues with the food. Haven't been sick! The trend has now been broken. And it's rough.

Sitting up in my bed, wrapped in a blanket...I've reached a low point. I'm not well.

There have most certainly been times I've wanted to go home this trip, this moment is at the top of that list. 

I'm really down. I want the comfort of home and the people I love. I just ate an entire pack of tums.

Also, a massive spider just crawled up my wall near the door. Ugh. This too shall pass. 

India:1, Ashley:0